“Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.”— John 7:24, NIV

3 yrs ago I changed work locations and was surrounded by many new faces. I began to notice a particular young woman who gave me dirty looks. There were times I noticed her walking by my cubicle, turning her head to look at me, and stabbing me with her eye daggers. What did I ever do to her? Think, think.

I’m not a rude person and I’ve been told I’m friendly. Yet, I have to think somewhere along the way, our paths must have crossed and I must have left quite the negative impression on her. I racked my brain, wondering where I may have interacted with her. I kept coming up blank.

At times like these, a mind can act like a runaway locomotive. After a few weeks, my curiosity dissolved into disdain.  What’s her problem? What’s the matter with her?

The dirty looks continued.

Like 2 bumper cars recklessly colliding, one afternoon I was exiting as she was entering, forcing us into a face to face encounter. Inches away, I had my chance to ask, “What’s the matter? What have I ever done to you?” Fantasies are great aren’t they? You can fly off the handle with no consequences.

Then the better part of me grabbed a hold of my tongue, and rephrased.

“Have we ever worked together? You look so familiar.”

“No, I don’t think so. But yes, you do look familiar.”

Then we began the customary listing of programs each of us worked at any given time in our careers.

After this inevitable collision course, when I saw her again in the hall, I made it my mission to overcome my negative inner dialogue and instead extend warmth.

“How are you doing today?”

“I’m doing good, thank you, just a little tired. My daughter woke up sick last night.”

Something we can connect on! She’s a mom. From that point on, we had a common personal ground from which to relate. Something deeper than the fact that we are both engineers.

Slowly in the weeks that followed, we began to learn more about each other. In time she’d know I am a divorced single mom. One day, out of nowhere, she’d be very inquisitive about my experiences as a single mom. In time, I would learn that her husband was abusive to her.

I believe God places us at the right time and place to be a blessing to others. Before knowing who she was, my ego ran a marathon.  First I thought the bad looks were because of something she perceived “I” did to her. Then my ego flipped it so I could be indignant toward her. It was all about me after all. Isn’t that what ego does? Places everything in the context of oneself— Sees oneself as the victim.

Of course none of it had anything to do with “me.”  Had I known she was suffering in silence, wouldn’t I have been compassionate sooner? But how could I know? My mind was too busy racing through the countless possibilities, but the one.

My friend decided to divorce this abusive man, and today she lives at peace with her precious daughter. We have become like family to each other, celebrating life and  holidays together, and always thankful for our friendship.

She refers to me as an angel who came into her life when she needed support the most. I must say it is she that is the angel. She allowed me to see that things are rarely what they seem, especially when we look through judging eyes.

I am but one judging thought away from giving and receiving a blessing. 

Love is Humble

  HOW HUMBLE IS GOD?

                                                     

How humble is God?

God is the tree in the forest that

allows itself to die and will not defend itself in front of those

with the ax, not wanting to cause them

shame.

And God is the earth that will allow itself to

Be deformed by man’s tools, but He cries; yes, God cries,

but only in front of His closest ones.

And a beautiful animal is being beaten to death,

but nothing can make God break His silence

to the masses

and say,

“Stop, please stop, why are you doing this

to Me?”

How humble is God?

Kabir wept

When I

Knew.

                                             -Kabir 

Kabir, a 15^th century Indian poet, wrote these profound words, still very relevant today. I have never thought of God as humble. This completely took me by surprise. The all knowing force, the alpha, the omega, God who has more of a right to be proud, and yet he is humble.  If God is humble, then what right have I to be anything but humble myself? My ego ponders.

“God is the tree in the forest that

allows itself to die and will not defend itself in front of those

with the ax, not wanting to cause them

shame.”

How many times have I thought in my self-righteous wisdom, that I am right and someone else is wrong? All too many times to count. How many times in my past relationships have I thought I knew better about relationships and that I needed to let them know what they were doing wrong, not enough, or right enough? How many times did I shame the very men I loved? It puts me in sorrow to contemplate. I can see that though I loved them, my definition of love was tainted by the limits I placed on my understanding of what love truly is. Love is boundless….limitless….all the things God is. Love is humble. I have so much to learn.

If God is humble because his love for us wants to spare us shame, how can I offer less to someone? If God hasn’t come down crushing me every time I’ve caused pain and suffering upon another, why should I? When his very power is capable of anything, He refrains from being anything but Love. Can I do the same?

God’s knowledge of each individual could crush their very existence, if God chose to “defend itself in front of those with the ax.” Yet his Love chooses not to use this very knowledge, because it would shame us. It would destroy us. His concern is not to rule over us, not to say, “I told you so,” not to prove he’s right, not to remind us who’s boss. He is after all God, and by definition, has no ego. His concern is for our very spirit, our soul. God, like a good parent, wants to support, encourage and love, rather than shame.

We encourage our children as they walk through every stage of their growth. Applauding them on as they gain understanding from their experiences. There are lessons we cannot spare them from, no matter how much we love them and want to keep them out of harm’s way. Because of our love, we stand ready to support as they make their choices. If a choice leads them to pain, don’t we rush to embrace them and comfort? Rather than stand with finger pointed ready to shame?

As parents we understand we cannot expect a 4 year old to drive a car, and would never give him the keys and send him off. We are all new in our spiritual development and understanding of God’s depth and magnitude. People develop spiritually at different rates. Some of us are still in diapers. Some of us are just learning to crawl, while some of us are on our backs gurgling. Though at different stages in our spiritual infancy, God, like a parent, knows where his children are developmentally.

When I have embarked on relationships with men, they, as well as myself, were at different places. In my ignorance, I approached the beginning of my relationship with an expectation that if he wasn’t where I was, that he would one day be, if I loved him enough, if I struggled enough, if I was patient enough. Little did I know, I should have just quietly observed where he was, and if I could not co-exist with his stage, I should have lovingly bid him farewell. His spiritual development is for him to account for. It’s not my ego’s job to teach him. Who am I to teach him? I am struggling myself to learn— So much vastness yet to uncover.

How can I presume I could show him the way? Whose way? My way? What God has  compelled and inspired within me, is my experience. I can share, but who am I to impose it upon someone else? It would be wrong to do this. God himself doesn’t get into our knickers forcing an outcome or direction. His love gifts us freedom to choose. And loves us regardless of our choices.

I need to respect everyone has their individual spiritual evolution, which doesn’t often coincide with mine. Instead of preaching to them, or getting embroiled in their drama, I need to refrain from speaking to them in a manner, which will shame them for being where they are at present. If I am truly opening myself up to God, then I will practice humility and not need to impose my beliefs on anyone. The individual cannot see what I can see at this moment. And vice versa. To force him to see something he’s not ready to see, will only create him pain and suffering. And at the end of the day, he will only blame me for his condition. He often will not take it as an invitation to grow. A person has to have a heart in passionate pursuit of growth, to embrace change. 

Often in my life, I have had to repeat the same experience many times, before I finally got to a point where I had enough and was ready to grow. Then and only then, were the blinders removed, allowing me to see with clarity, what my former level of understanding prohibited me from seeing.

In my past relationships, I became angry at guys for being at a different place from me. It was a long and painful process for me, but I believe I have learned to accept they are as they are, and me, not they, have to change. Their change is their business, not mine. Empowering myself, I changed my “perception.”

If I find that where I am and where God’s directing me to go, is somewhere entirely different from him, I need to peacefully move in my appointed direction. I must send them blessings and move on in my journey. No need to justify, rationalize, explain, preach, moralize, share supposed wisdom, all the while making them feel less, just because they are where they need to be.

With God in my heart, I would not intend to do anything other than what is kind. It is kind to be humble. It is the ultimate manifestation of humility, when aware of someone’s vulnerability, we choose not to decimate their spirit with crushing words.

If however, I choose to continue a relationship with them, it’s on a level that I am at peace with. Whatever that is. The minute I am not at peace, its time for me to re-evaluate. If it is a relationship that brings with it harm or toxicity, as in the case of abuse, control, or substance abuse, I should acknowledge to myself the truth and terminate the relationship. This I do out of love for me. But most importantly, I do this out of love for my child. No child deserves to have this trauma flung at them. They have no choice, the small voices that they are, rely on us to speak up and protect them.

If a relationship terminates, it’s because the relationship’s purpose has been fulfilled— its season has ended. As we move on, we make a way for new things.

“See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”— Isaiah 43:19, NLT

Thumb Drive Discovery

Cleaning out a thumb drive I haven’t used in years, I stumbled onto a word document listing my grievances about a job I held at the time. The way my mind works is that I process things by either talking it out or writing it down. In the “process” of talking or writing, I make my way to the solution. That’s what I was doing with that document.

I read through it and found I also documented what my then 12 yr old daughter interjected as I wrote.

“Mama, what you doing?”

“I’m organizing and preparing my thoughts, about a conversation I need to have with my manager.”

“Just organize and prepare to find another job, in case he fires you!”

“What?” I responded laughing, yet with the realization she might be right.

“No offense. In Legally Blonde, remember when she said ‘I can’t work with people like that.’ And he said, 'You’re right, you shouldn’t have to.' And he fired her?”

As a result of that conversation, I realized that if I was that dissatisfied, then it was time to move on.    

I now have the advantage of hindsight, since this occurred some years ago. I enjoy my job much more, and I do not dread going into work like I once did. I am firmly convinced that: 

A fool is one who doesn't recognize the wisdom spoken by a child. 

Chocolate Cake

It doesn’t matter how old your kids are. They have an uncanny way— no matter what age— to see right through you and get to the heart of the matter. They zero in precisely— like a surgeon with fine tuned surgical skills— to peel away the layer that’s often hidden from ourselves. Revealing our flaws, our inconsistencies, and double talk.

This evening after track practice, my daughter was starving when I picked her up. I discussed plans for dinner, which consisted of baking portabella mushrooms.

“Is that all we’re having for dinner?!” In shocked indignation that only a teenager can pull off.  Anyone who says moms are experts at piling on guilt trips, hasn’t met a teenager.

“No, I’m also going to make broccolini.” Bad mommy guilt has a voice, it said, Protein! Where’s the protein in this meal for my athlete?

Seeing as she wasn’t about to head into a restaurant without a shower, I suggested, “Take out!” She grinned the universal grin, the one known by children all across the world, when they get their way.

On the phone ordering our meal, I asked, ”Could you have them go light on the oil?” I’ve always been squeamish about too much oil in my food, especially when food is swimming in it.

“Do you want any salad, or dessert?”

What the heck, it’s Valentine’s day! Let’s go for a piece of chocolate cake!

Seconds after I hang up, I hear the voice. That once small, cute and sweet voice, now perfected with17 yr old sarcasm. “Oh! Light on the oil, but I’ll take the chocolate cake!”

A good laugh at myself, and a delectable chocolate indulgence, were a great combo for tonight’s menu. 

Valentine's Day— Bah! Humbug!

This Valentines comes and goes with no fanfare. I am not in a relationship- not by choice, but by statistics. Seems the older I get, the fewer the prospects. Ever notice when you are not in a relationship, that everywhere you look, you see couples?

I have gone the gamut of emotions and cycles in the merry go round of singledom. I have been divorced now for 13 years and though I had 3 serious relationships since then, they were not to be. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not regret the opportunity to love and be in love. Very awesome emotions, which I hope to one day again experience.

I recall meeting a married woman one day at a coffee shop, who shared that at this stage in my child’s life I should “finish strong” with raising her. She made a good point. She said there isn’t much time left with her before she’s grown and out the door, so her advice was to focus on this time together. I think she was well meaning. What she said made a lot of sense to me. But simultaneously, there was a small voice clamoring as it was being smothered. The voice called out How about balance? Is it possible to be there for your child and also be available to start a relationship with the right man?

I vacillate myself between two thoughts.  Is it possible to date, while simultaneously being responsible, loving and present for your child? Or is it only possible to focus on doing one well?

Since my divorce I’ve gone through the process of ups and downs as the mind scrambles to find the truth about oneself and relationships. There was a period (many in fact) where I was consumed by the “lack” and what seemed missing. I was very present to the hole, the missing part of my life. That’s when I felt my loneliest.

This must have been when I began relationships, which ultimately proved to be wrong for me. Then I took time off to work on me. Like the cliché goes, the constant in all my relationships was me. So I knew it was time to take a break and just be by myself.

It’s like a bathtub, after a bath, there’s soap scum that lingers. If you don’t take time to cleanse the mind and spirit, before you attempt to begin again, you carry the same dirt with you — Your own dirt.

I have contemplated and prayed, I have experienced many Aha moments, and have tried to learn from these insights. To say I have learned patience and humility is not accurate, as I believe I have not mastered them as much as I have come to recognize their importance in relationships.

I have gained more reverence and appreciation for the simple pleasures many married folks take for granted.  The other day a newlywed shared she didn’t want her husband doling on her since she considers herself independent. Hearing this was like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard. How often we find ourselves in life wishing for what we don’t have, and when we receive it, complaining about it? Though I cannot guarantee I myself will never complain again — I am human after all — I can however, say that I am alert to learning to appreciate things more and more.

Unpopular Mom

I received a  call from my then 13 yr old daughter crying, saying her chest hurt. I rushed over to pick her up from daycare to take her to the doctor’s office. She greeted me angrily “I wish you wouldn’t go ahead and make an appointment after I told you I didn’t want to go to the doctor’s!” 

Having turned 13, she would no longer be able to attend daycare after this summer session. She wanted to squeeze every moment of time she could with her friends and teachers, now as the summer was drawing to a close.  

As I drove her, she moved her body as far away from me in the front passenger seat as she could.  Her aversion to me and any contact included giving me the silent treatment. 

Hey, remember me? The lady who adores you and cares about you? The one who nursed your many fevers and handled hundreds of diapers?  Remember me? The one who has to do unpopular things when I know you are not yet able to discern and appreciate these decisions.  The battle waging within you to grow up so fast and yet, stay a child. 

The doctor gave her an inhaler to outrule asthma, and we discussed several cardiac  conditions that may cause similar symptoms.  She was a part of the conversation, so she must have surmised that it was a worthwhile visit.  As we left the office, she reached for my hand to hold, “I love you Momma.” 

And all is back to normal, my child is back. 

“I love you too!  Being a parent  means sometimes doing the unpopular thing out of love. ” 

She turned toward me and smiled, “I know.”

Copyright © 2011 Ella Venezia

All Rights Reserved

Unexpected Forgiveness

“I owe you an apology for how I ended things with you a long time ago. I wasn’t respectful to you.” He said almost in a whisper.

It was unexpected and awkward. We ran into each other in the hallway at work some 6 years after the relationship’s end. This was the first serious relationship I had post my divorce.

“I appreciate your apology. In my heart I forgave you a long time ago.”

Assuring me,  “Still you didn’t deserve the way I acted. You deserved respect.”

Standing before me, married with children, our season was past. Years prior, when I needed to hear this the most, life required me to learn to forgive long before he had the courage to ask.

He added graciously, “I think of all our times together and those are the best memories of my life. I will never forget them.”

Eyes darting about, and with a smile he said, “I’d give you a hug but people would talk.”  

We parted ways once again, after our brief hallway encounter.  

Forgiveness, both to seek it and to grant it, is always a gift with no expiration date.

Copyright © 2011 Ella Venezia

All Rights Reserved

God’s Compelling Love

This evening at the sandwich shop, the same grumpy employee attended to me. I immediately passed judgment as I saw her. My head was saying, there goes Ms. Crabby Patty! Or as my daughter might say, “Ms. Grumpy Gills.”

Despite my own internal harsh dialogue, I pushed myself to squeeze out “How’s your day going?”

“It just keeps getting worse!”

Oh what a surprise—negativity, I thought sarcastically.  Of course she’d say that, so I immediately dismissed her. I’ve been there many times before and she always seems to have a negative attitude. I couldn’t think of anything to say, as I wrestled for something positive and encouraging.  All that I could immediately come up with were clichés and brainless regurgitations of canned encouragement. I was trapped in my head, and not in touch with my heart. So that’s the best I could do. Knowing it was insufficient, I decided to be quiet.

Minutes in silence, as I watched her piece my sandwich together. Then I blurted, “Well, your hair looks really nice!”  And she managed a smile, as she kept her head down working.

The silence was broken by a male voice yelling from somewhere in the back of the kitchen, “My foot! My foot!”

I noticed she kept right on building my sandwich, never missing a beat. I wondered, did he really hurt himself? So to prompt her to go find out, I asked: “Do you think he really got hurt?”

She shook her head and said, “He’s always playing like that. It gets on my nerves!”

I added, “Well, maybe he’ll stop that one day when he really hurts his foot. Like the boy who cried wolf.”

She managed a smile.

Then she rung up my order, and handed me eleven dollars in change. I was strongly compelled at that moment, and went with the feeling. I softly slide back the money to her and said, “I know you guys don’t typically get tips, but I want you to have this tonight.”

 “Oh! You’re gonna make me cry.”

I touched her arm in a reassuring manner. She poured out how her tooth is killing her and her medication is home, and she has no family living here to assist. She has to wait until she gets out in 2 hrs. My heart hurt for her. I could instantaneously feel the pain of her isolation. I know what it feels like to be far away from family, and to feel alone.

At the close of our talk, I walked away humbled, feeling the sting of the abrupt judgment I easily passed. Tonight I had a rare journey into her suffering. God Bless her. I prayed for her all the way home.  I got emotional as I reflected on how my judgment would never have allowed me to see her vulnerability. I would have missed another one of God’s masterpieces.

I believe that because I obeyed God’s urging, to give her that money, He allowed me to see behind the veil of her hardened shell—to the side he knows.  I know this to be sacred—an opportunity to look into another’s heart.

Later this evening, my dear friend Anna, a single mom herself, called me. She was having anxiety and as a consequence, had pain in her chest. She was so tearful, feeling so overwhelmed. We prayed together. She cried when she said that I am like a sister to her.

Apologetic for calling late, she said: “I know you’ve told me I can call you anytime. But I never like to call late. But tonight I did because just before going to bed, I listened to a message you left me today, where you said ‘I love you.’ “

Interesting enough, (and no surprise with God’s perfect timing), earlier today I was compelled to call and see how she was feeling. But didn’t reach her, so I left a message. The phone kept cutting me off and erasing the messages. I grew frustrated with that, and persisted, because I felt so strongly that I had to leave her a message. So I decided to outsmart the machine and be extra brief—which is a severe challenge for me. Finally I called back and only said the essential, that I was wondering how she was feeling and that I love her.

Little did I know that God was working through me to reach her, to reassure His daughter. Tonight she was feeling isolated and alone. When she needed it the most, she discovered my message. And that is what prompted her to call me and reach out this evening.

I often hear the phrase: “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”  How blessed I am, that tonight I experienced two examples back-to-back of how He works His mysteries.

These days I am trying to have my eyes open to His urgings and prompts.  I feel that by doing so, I am being obedient to His will. I don’t know how what I am doing is going to impact others, or what chain reaction it might set off. But I am excited by the thought of how He will use my obedience. I am humbled by the thought of this.

I think this evening our Heavenly Father wanted me to get a glimpse of Him and His mysteries. But mostly, a glimpse into His love. The love He has for us all. He allowed me to witness the effect of my obedience.  We are so blind to what occurs in everyone’s private moments. We cannot see the grief and suffering that only God sees. I am humbled that tonight God would use a mere spiritually adolescent child as myself, flawed and non-deserving of this privilege, as a vehicle to weave his masterful work.  

Copyright 2011 Ella Venezia

All Rights Reserved