“What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life.” –Leo Buscaglia
At the intersection of change, one makes a bold and courageous decision to shed something or someone that no longer works in our lives. That no longer gifts, but instead dampens, oppresses, and slowly kills our spirit.
One must always reflect and allow oneself the opportunity to mull over what has just happened. To deny ourselves this opportunity only short-changes us, preventing our growth from this experience. Believe it or not, growth does result. From the pain and discomfort, seeds are planted that will sprout in the spring of our transformation. Just as this time will come, so too, this time today is here for us to understand what it brings.
A few years ago I read a book that called this interim time (after an ending), “In the Meantime” (by Iyanla VanZant). I found it extremely insightful and addressing what many of us don’t always want to hear. I know I was once there, where after an ending, I was looking for another beginning. Without giving myself the healing opportunity. This book is very frank about the work that needs to be addressed.
When you end a relationship, or the one you love ends it for you, you can choose to look at this pain as an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself. Given enough time to reflect, you will observe more than one thing this ended relationship has brought you.
In abusive circumstances, I don’t consider abuse a gift, but the change it spurs in you, can be the gift. Fleeing, protecting yourself and your children, is the gift. Finding your strength to seek safety, is a courageous act. Experiencing your power, is a gift. Seeing yourself in a new beginning, is a powerful and loving act.
I ask you to challenge yourself today. Challenge how you view things. Stay open to the possibility that today is the beginning of a new way of looking at things, of looking at yourself. Working through your pain, you’ll work toward a better understanding of yourself and the love inside you.
We are all creatures of habit. When we choose to begin anew, we feel lost because the old habit now has to be broken. This habit can also be our habit to be allowed to be victimized. This must stop. This old way doesn’t work anymore. It is responsible for attracting (like a magnet) other abusive people into our lives.
When we end one abusive relationship, it is not an automatic end to abuse. Many people unknowingly jump from one abusive relationship into another. The only common denominator in our relationships, is ourselves. We must change ourselves first, if we want real change to occur in our lives. We must adopt different ways, to bring us the results we want. Today take a valiant step toward adopting a new way, a new approach. Begin with purchasing for yourself a journal. It doesn’t have to be fancy, a notebook will also work.
Take this day and write all your thoughts and feelings out on the pages of your journal. No holds barred. Write and write, until you cannot write anymore. Until you are all talked out. Write into the wee hours of the night if you must. Just get it out. Vent, vent, vent. These journal pages are your vessel to dump everything that’s inside you, that you want to shed. Purge, purge the feelings. The bad and good. The regrets, the wishing the outcome would have been different. Hold imaginary conversations with him/her on these pages. Tell them how they broke your heart. How they hurt you. Let them know all the pain you feel inside. If you feel anger, this too purge onto these pages.
In the days ahead, weeks, months…it is a process…move away from blame (since it keeps you in a perpetual victim role), and move toward discovering your strength, your power, when you rediscover your voice. The journaling is a vehicle to aid you in discovering your voice. When you live in an oppressive environment your voice disappears because you cannot stay in touch with yourself so easily. You don’t have a place of safety, where you can just be you. Typically you cannot write anything down because the victimizer doesn’t respect your privacy nor your boundaries.
“We cannot have an honest, honorable, or loving relationship with ourselves or anyone else until we clear our survival issues. As long as we believe that another person has or can withhold some element of life essential to our survival, we will not tell the truth or cannot express our emotions; our self-value, worth, and self-esteem are diminished… When you believe that you must give up pieces of yourself in order to avoid being hurt to survive, you are having a meantime experience…living here makes you a victim.” –Iyanla VanZant (“In the Meantime”)
Today you will empty out the trash, to make room for the beauty to come in the near distance. This clearing is your cry and invitation for peace.
Today I pray that you take my hand through this unknown process. Show me the beauty you see in me. Make it clear to me, the strength and courage you have breathed into me, to pull me through this moment. Teach me a different way, your way, the way to healing. The way to loving myself the way you as my Creator love me.
Use this pain to lay the groundwork for a new beginning in my life, more in line with what you desire for me. My way alone is riddled with bumps and bruises, so I need you to teach me discernment, so that I do not repeat this familiar pain. It’s time to let go of the familiar, and make room for the unfamiliar – real love— not the feeling I’ve grown accustomed to which I’ve fooled myself (or others have tried to fool me) with this imposter that is anything but love. Pain is not love. Shame is not love. Control is not love. Abuse is not love.
I now lean on you to carry me through this period of healing. Fill me with hope and give me the patience to anticipate the beautiful days ahead you have in store for me. Teach me what love is, show me that love is “patient, kind, …believes all things, and hopes all things.” I let go of my past understandings, and invite you to show me a new way.
Copyright © 2011 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved.
I humbly dedicate this post to Angela and all the courageous women and men who let go of the unhealthy to start anew...to embark on change.
This post is inspired by truly courageous stories of new beginnings as told on
and Angela who is in the process of beginning anew on http://perfectdrug.org/2011/08/23/change/
You may also refer to one of my earlier posts: http://singleparentfaith.blogspot.com/2011/03/loving-ourselves-enough-to-say-good-bye.html#more