Noncommital Dead End

“A dead end street is a good place to turn around”—Naomi Judd





Looking at my blog statistics, I noticed a large interest in the post, “Honoring Ourselves—Saying No to Noncommittal Men.” It got me to thinking that there must be a large number of women who are in non-committal relationships. The fact that they are googling this subject must mean that at some level they are unhappy about it. 

If it bothers you to be in a noncommittal relationship, this is an opportunity for your renewal. It’s a prod that there are better possibilities for your life. You don’t have to settle for less than you deserve.

With every noncommittal couple there is an agreement, be it a conscious one or not. The agreement is that this noncommittal state is acceptable. Usually the one who wants more from the relationship tells herself something like, “He just needs time” or “He was hurt by his ex and he’s afraid…I just have to be patient.”

It is always the one who wants more that is left holding shattered shells, perhaps hoping that if she doesn’t shake them (by bringing up the subject), these pieces will unshatter themselves and converge to a whole.

Why do people lie to themselves?

The answer to that question is unique to every individual. And that is a good place to start, on “oneself.” As long as we keep telling ourselves a lie, we will not understand what within us opened the door to a noncommittal person. Often, a lack of self-esteem and understanding of our value, is why we accept a noncommittal person into our lives. What is the barrier we have erected to our self-acceptance as truly worthy and deserving of a man who will commit his heart? Sometimes it’s an addiction to “fix” someone, that doesn’t allow us to properly set filters, so what we attract are men who are a project.

If you are a single mom, erecting filters is even more critical to protect your children from the heartache of a noncommittal man. Whatever he is not able to provide for you, he definitely is not able to provide them. They, like you, deserve someone whose love will be given freely without limits and conditions. These little eyes and ears are observing you. This is a teaching moment to them, likely to impact their own self-esteem. They deserve a parent figure who will love and commit to loving them in a healthy manner. Remember you are a package deal, whatever the man withholds from you, he withholds from your children.

When my co-worker was in his 30’s, he dated women with kids and got involved with their kids’ lives. He developed a bond with the children. Then when the relationship ended, he severed his contact with the children and moved on to the next relationship. It was surprising to me how many women fell for his good looks and personality, but couldn’t see that he was a player. I saw this happen time and time again. He’s now in his 50’s. He’s still having success at this lifestyle. All I can surmise is that there are a lot of women who are lonely and lacking self-esteem. But what is sad is that in the process, how many children’s hearts has he broken? Protecting our kid’s hearts is a parent’s job and shouldn’t be left to the person entering the scene. Likely they are self-serving (especially if noncommittal) and won’t give it a second thought when they move on or continue to string the woman along.

Often, when in a noncommittal relationship we find our thoughts focused primarily on the other person and we speculate on the potential reasons for his state. Sometimes women stay with these men because they feel sorry for him because he didn’t have a good start in life, or he had someone hurt him along the way. Sometimes thinking that if you love him enough, you can break this noncommittal stronghold. We think “we” can be instrumental and that we hold the answer to his healing. It is a lie designed to keep our lives hostage waiting on one person’s decision to grow up. 

What if you’re on an airplane experiencing turbulence, and the oxygen masks drop, do you wait on someone else to place the mask on your face? If you’re a child, yes.  Imagine yourself staring at the dangling oxygen mask. Do you sit there taking no action to save yourself? Do you sit there waiting for someone else to decide whether you live? To decide for you whether to place the mask on your face?

No! Your fight or flight instinct kicks in and you reach for the mask yourself, because you want to live! This analogy is of a scenario that is extreme and not a typical daily decision. But why should your every day life be any different? The decision we make on ordinary days are also life altering. Our life moves in one direction or another, depending on what we decide to act on during these ordinary days.

The agreement (whether spoken or not) you have with this person is that he wants you there making no waves, ignoring the obvious and in essence ignoring the problem. And without realizing it, you enable him, disregarding your needs and dreams for your life in the process.

During all the time you are trying to “fix” him or “wait” on him, you don’t put the mask on you and instead, essentially reach into his space placing it on him. Looking for signs that he is turning a corner and opening his heart. Looking for something that is not there. Any little sign that he is almost getting to a point where he can commit, if only you stick it out longer. The thing is, this is all perception. You are perceiving what his behavior or words “really” mean. You are assigning a meaning to them to make you hang on longer. You can hang on for years on a perception that at the end will prove to have been an error. You are perceiving what you want to perceive.

The truth is, as I myself have discovered, that I must be willing to look at the truth about “myself” and invest in “myself” to rid myself of this disease to “fix” someone. When you correctly place your energy on your own growth, it “will” yield marvelous results. You will no longer wish to throw your precious energy down a sink hole. Instead, you will value yourself and want to invest more in you.

It is a lie to think that we have the power to change a man. It is for God to reckon with your noncommittal man. He is not just noncommittal to you. His noncommittal roots run deep, permeating his life and spiritual walk.

If you decide you want to live life to the fullest, let go of your project (changing a man), and breathe in deep as you reach for your oxygen mask. What does this concretely mean? You take all that energy you formerly put into the distraction from living your life— because all the time spent thinking on him has kept you from thinking on you—and now focus on the work you are called in your own life to perform. The right relationship you deserve will make its way to you once you develop the right relationship with yourself.

Ella Venezia

Copyright © 2014 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved.

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In my Father's Vulnerability, I find Mine

“I feel like I need to tell you that it’s okay to be afraid. You’ve had to be strong but you need to know that it’s okay with God to be afraid. Spend some quiet time with Him and share what you’re afraid of.”

These were the divinely inspired words spoken to me by a couple from church who were recently brought into my life, to bless me with their friendship.

What God is this, that He doesn’t require us to be strong? He welcomes us as the weak and vulnerable beings that we are. In fact, He invites us to come to Him, honestly, like a child. This is some Awesome God! We can come to God any time, anywhere, just as we are. We can have a conversation with Him without formalities.

I recently had to make a decision to place my father in a long-term care facility. This decision is not an easy one, even though I know he requires around-the-clock skilled nursing care.  My prayers and thoughts have been more geared toward, “God please make me strong, give me wisdom to deal with all the decisions I must make for my parents who rely on me to do the right thing for them…”

To instead come to God and talk about my fears, shifts my prayer from a request, to just simply a conversation; Sharing what is stirring within me. I was not focused on what my fears are specifically, since survival mode made me bypass this step and jump immediately into, “I have to be strong.” Bypassing this step is necessary when the situation calls for it. For me it was several days before Thanksgiving, when I had to hop on a plane to see my father. I knew I had to hit the ground running as soon as the plane landed at La Guardia. I had to be strong enough to walk into a nursing home where workers were evasive and patronizing, to assess why my father was experiencing an abrupt decline.

Now, several weeks later, my father is in a safer place, I have returned to Texas, and my friends’ words act as a reminder that I can let my guard down and be honest and vulnerable. They must have noticed me still trying to shoulder it all, on auto-pilot portraying strength.

To put words and form to my fears, makes me look honestly at the moment. Not through a prism of strength which sometimes can distort the truth and mislead one to think one is in control, or doesn’t need anyone, much less God.

"Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."  –Jeremiah 29:12-13

Only when we are honest with ourselves, with God, can we search for God with all of our heart. Only when we are open, vulnerable, pour out what our heart yearns to say, the reassurance we need to hear, the loving ears that our cries yearn for, can we shed pride and ego. What keeps our distance from God are the wedges of pride and ego which make us think it’s our problem alone to solve. Even feeling sorry for ourselves for being alone in the crisis is an act of ego – separating ourselves from our Creator. Sometimes we look to others to save us. Though we need the physical support of others during a crisis, we must be cautious not to default to relying on them solely, without coming first to God with our heart.

That November night, alone in a NYC hotel, after my visit to the nursing home where my father was barely recognizable to me — emaciated, lips and tongue wrinkled, parched from dehydration, confused, paranoid, hallucinogenic — I knew I was in over my head. My father needed me, but I didn’t know how to help. Only God could take care of this. Only God could give me the strength to face this fear. Alone, with no visible support system, my vulnerability busted my heart wide open. I could not rely on any one person to get me through this. I turned to my Heavenly Father in conversation and prayer.

I gave Him my tears, I sought Him with my heart.

In the days and weeks that followed, I have felt God’s reassurance in so many ways. In one instance, I initiated a conversation with a stranger at a bus stop, merely asking if she knew of any good nursing homes. Come to find out, she recently went through something similar with her mother living in Florida. She shared a wealth of advice. My parent’s podiatrist, Dr. Yu, unable to treat my father now that he is under the care of a facility, still made himself available to me any time, to discuss concerns and potential solutions.

During one of these evening calls, Dr. Yu echoed my concerns and agreed that, “It doesn’t sound like this is a good facility for Dad. I agree, we need to get him out of there.” He advised me against just single-handedly taking him out without a doctor’s approval. He was afraid there would be health insurance consequences if I didn’t follow discharge protocol. That night I felt an overwhelming urgency to take him out of that facility. I played many scenarios in my head of how I would scoop him up and physically remove him (he no longer walks), but knew I couldn’t manage him physically. I didn’t want to hurt him in the process of executing a poorly thought-out plan. I felt completely helpless.

In the midst of this whirlwind of thoughts, I remembered to return the nursing home doctor’s call. I was expecting I would have another difficult conversation with her — as I grew accustomed to her putting up road blocks — but instead, I heard, “You’re father isn’t doing well. I would like to send him to the Emergency Room, if you are in agreement.”

“Absolutely! Of course I agree! I will meet him there!”

My pleas to God for help were answered! Praise God! Now he was out of that horrible facility, without me having to force the discharge.

                    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Elderly people are so vulnerable, especially when experiencing a health crisis. I was witness to this when I stood by him through the night in the Emergency Room, during his long hospital stay, then later when discharged to a skilled nursing facility. My father is vulnerable every time he requires a diaper change. Naked and requiring assistance to roll onto his side, the nurse and certified nursing assistant (CNA) follow a protocol to clean him.

To be in the presence of this moment, forces both my father and the observer into humility. How can I watch this and not feel mercy for my father? How can I watch this and not feel his pain, his shame, his unraveling? How can I hold judgment against him as a father, for any past expectations he has fallen short of? Naked, not a one of us can withstand scrutiny that is not through the eyes of love. Naked, the shackles of unforgiveness dissolve.

In this moment of humility, whereby I watch my father helpless and in complete need of assistance for his basic needs, my soul awakens with his visceral cry, “Dios! Dios!” (God! God!)

“What’s wrong Dad?”

“I want to die.”

“Why?”

“I am tired of them turning me this way, turning me that way…”

They have to perform this protocol when the patient is unable to roll over on his own. They need to turn him to adequately clean him. Otherwise he is at risk for infection. After explaining that, I added,

“There is still purpose for you Dad. It’s not time for you to die.”

“How do you know this?”

“Because God would have already taken you if your purpose was fulfilled. As long as you draw breath, God has a plan for your life. There is purpose in this very moment, though you may not know what it is.”

“How can I do anything in this condition?”

“I don’t mean literally that you are to perform a physical feat. We don’t know God’s plans, but what if your presence is necessary for those around you? What if you are part of the plan for our lives?”

“I know all that, don’t tell me!”

“Okay Dad, I know that you know. “ I smiled. This is my father. You can’t tell him anything because he knows it already. It’s part of the teacher in him and the way he has always been. This part still remains, though other parts of his personality have altered.

Then I quietly pondered, what is God’s work still to be done in him?

What work is He doing in me, as I witness my father enduring this?

What work is God doing in any of us who are in the presence of another’s pain?

We do not have God’s infinite eyes to see the majestic purpose behind this intricately woven tapestry that defines a person’s life, or a person’s season. 

However, one thing I do know, my father demonstrated his love and trust for me by allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of me. Much like I demonstrate my love and trust for God by giving Him my vulnerability.

I demonstrated my love for my father by choosing to stay in the room during his diaper changes, and during moments like the intake process at the skilled nursing facility, when they must uncover his body to assess his ulcers and body’s condition.

Most nurse’s were gentle and polite by informing me I can wait outside the door until they are finished. Some harshly instructed me I had to leave. I responded, “No. I choose to stay. I am my father’s health care proxy.” They typically proceeded on, and most were kind. However, when he was in the prior problematic facility, a CNA threatened that if I did not leave she would get her supervisor. “Go ahead, because no one is removing me from witnessing my father’s care.” 

There are times to be bold. God has emboldened me to stand up and show up for my father. I am humbled by His courage which He gives me when I need to call upon it.

Of course it would have been easier to excuse myself and not make waves. It would have been easier to avoid seeing the sacral (buttocks) pressure ulcer,  which after they removed the dead and infected tissue, has left a huge 5 inch diameter hole fully exposing his tailbone, spine and ligaments. The cavity is so deep, that one could fit a hand inside it to cradle his tailbone. This is covered by a gauze dressing, which must be replaced every time it gets soiled with a diaper change, to prevent infection.

I am afraid every time to look at his uncovered sacral ulcer. But I do not focus on the fear. I focus on my love for my father, which is independent of how he shows his love for me. My dad has never been one to openly and demonstratively show love. Though, in recent years it was a large victory when he began to tell me the words, “I love you.”

In that space with my father, in his most vulnerable state, I felt the words enter my consciousness, “Honor thy father.”  There was no choice other than to bear witness to the truth, to the reality that he is enduring. How can I understand his pain, if I look away from the truth?

There are times in life when there is no one to step in and do something for us. We’re it. As my father’s daughter, I need to be aware, so that I may stand up for him. We all have people who depend on us. We all must make a choice one day, to stand up for love. My strength comes from the Lord, not from me. Those weeks in NYC were not easy to navigate through. God gave me the courage and the wisdom to ask the questions of the medical staff, to seek assistance, to not walk in fear, but rest on Him as my source.  

I feel like I am in the midst of the story. That moment in the movie when you look at your watch and realize there is still more to come. Time still left for the plot to unfold. 

I do not know tomorrow. I do not have conclusions. I do not know the details that lay ahead. Unknowns. So many. There are seasons in our life designed to remind us that we are not in control. Surely this is such a season for me.

Though earthly time is running out for my father, that is irrelevant to God. God isn’t limited to the timeframe we have come to believe is the only time that matters. Some doctors tend to speak of an 88 year old in a manner that indicates he has been written off. Our Heavenly Father doesn’t write off His children. He loves every one of us with unbridled passion. We are all precious and we matter to Him.

The One who masterfully purposed our lives as He knit us into our mother’s womb, has a mysterious plan to do a wonderful work in my father, in me, in you.  He will use our present season to fashion a love story. He will use our fears, our vulnerabilities — anything we lay before Him with an open heart — He will use it all in the vast design of our lives, to reveal His love.

Ella Venezia

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Honoring Ourselves—Saying No to Noncommittal Men

“If you won’t grow with me, you won’t go with me.” ~ T.D.Jakes 

My friend shared that she once dated a man who had a similar complaint about all his past girlfriends, “She was getting too serious and wanted to get married.”

The Roller Coaster that is Life — Get on

“I really don't think life is about the I-could-have-beens. Life is only about the I-tried-to-do. I don't mind the failure but I can't imagine that I'd forgive myself if I didn't try.” ~ Nikki Giovanni

Often life is compared to a roller coaster ride. I remember a great scene in the 1989 movie, Parenthood, with Steve Martin. The grandma speaks brilliance into the spiraling out of control, anxiety-filled Steve Martin character, as he’s faced with the unwanted news that his wife is now pregnant with their 4^th child.

His mother interjects unsolicited wisdom:

“Life is messy.

You know, when l was younger, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Up, down, up, down.

Oh, what a ride.

l always wanted to go again.

lt was just interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened...so scared, so sick, so excited...

and so thrilled all together.

Some didn´t like it. They went on the merry-go-round instead.

That just goes around.

Nothing.

l like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.”

The beginning of our ride, and the end are certain. These are the guarantees. But how about the in-between?

That’s where the living occurs.

We waste so much time in life worrying, fretting, stressing, complaining, not appreciating the life in-between, in essence, the roller coaster ride. It’s not until we are old enough, courageous enough, or just fed up enough, that we scramble to find purpose.

Saying yes to the ride, leads us to our purpose. 

Ever feel like you are stuck? You don’t feel like you’re growing or moving forward? The only way to move beyond the stuck point is “to do.” Action always is the answer to rut moments. They just don’t undo themselves without our action. We can pray and pray, but God expects action on our part. The roller coaster can’t deliver thrills unless it’s in motion.

God exists in the fluid motion of our actions. He cannot move through us, use our actions to further his reach, if we are unavailable to him— As we are when our self-absorption with our own pain and challenges keeps us from taking action. He cannot move through us to further His love if we are waiting on Him to make the move as we stall, as we stagnate, as we shrivel our heart’s potential. Wasted time (minutes, days, weeks, months, years) is gone forever. These moments in the waiting (waiting to live), procrastinating, don’t come back. I can’t tell you how many times I have waited on Him to show me a sign. One would think I was waiting on a map to drop down from the sky, to make things crystal clear. So crystal that it requires no risk on my part. No faith. No roller coaster moment. All the while he’s waiting on me to take an active role in this life he’s given me.

“Now and then I go about pitying myself and all the while my soul is being blown by great winds across the sky.”—Deepak Chopra

Sometimes we are afflicted with paralysis by analysis. We may think we have to have all our ducks in a row to make a move. We think we have to have answers to everything, to make a move. We think we have to have our lives all planned out, all mapped out, to set a course. But we are already on a course since the day we are born. It’s just a question of whether we’ll run out of time before we have courage enough to get on the roller coaster. We might be standing by watching others while we have yet to strap ourselves to the ride. Some of us may be strapped in, but have not given our thumbs up to moving down the track. Some of us are on the track, but we have the brakes on, and have not let go.

Are you one of those people who lift their arms straight up when the roller coaster drops down the vertical run? My daughter does that. It freaks me out. But metaphorically speaking, that is throwing wild abandon into the moment by throwing yourself fully into the moment.

He’s given us our life! Isn’t that amazing enough? Why must we hold God hostage now to our rules? Our fears? Our limitations? I know, they are so comfortable to us. They feel safe. But in reality, because we don’t know the ride’s potential for giving us the ride of our life, we hold back. We are still in the starting gate of the ride.

We must move. Take action. Pick up the phone. Book a flight. Click submit. Drive to that location. Enroll in that program or seminar today. Start your passion now. Take that chance you’ve been holding yourself back from. Step into an unknown. Step into a church. Extend a hand, a hug…be the first, don’t wait on someone else. Take a chance. Be bold. Move beyond the rut, doubt, pity, and on toward great winds.  

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the

Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9

Ella Venezia

Copyright © 2012 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved.

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Choosing to Love, Despite Fear

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

Several years ago I dated a guy who was so afraid to get hurt again, that he never gave himself emotionally in a relationship. The best he gave was a shell of himself. Most women accepted that, and many didn’t even notice he was showing up incomplete.  It prompted me to ponder: 

Why be so afraid?

So afraid that in your very avoidance of the possibility that you'll get hurt, you wind up hurting those who care about you?

I don’t think anyone wants to get hurt. I know I definitely don’t! But we do. It is life. And we emerge. We are designed by God to be resilient and able to love again.

A Tough Night Wrestling a Fluorescent Bulb

“Sorrow is a fruit. God does not make it grow on limbs too weak to bear it.” –Victor Hugo

One late evening when my child was seven, I decided to finally replace a fluorescent bulb from my kitchen’s light fixture. Here I am, an engineer, surely I can accomplish this minor household task, I thought, despite my procrastination. As bizarre as this sounds, I had never replaced a long tube fluorescent bulb and wasn’t familiar with these type of light fixtures. In great part that is why I postponed this. As a single parent, I have found myself in need of performing many “firsts” out of necessity.

Humanity Revealed through our Vulnerabilities

“In the beginning, people think vulnerability will make you weak, but it does the opposite. It shows you're strong enough to care.”
 –Victoria Pratt

I recall a few years back when a friend gave me a valuable piece of advice. She read something I wrote, and remarked that it could be better if I shared my vulnerabilities in the context of my writing. This advice proved to be applicable in all facets of my life.

This afternoon my daughter shared an experience with a friend, whereby her friend never shares any of her problems, worries, fears, or mistakes.

“Mom it’s like after a while of me talking, I just shut up because I don’t think she gets it.  Her silence tells me she doesn’t make mistakes. And so I don’t feel like telling her anything personal anymore.”

Unhealthy Relationships— Purging the Bad, to Begin Anew

“What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life.” –Leo Buscaglia

At the intersection of change, one makes a bold and courageous decision to shed something or someone that no longer works in our lives. That no longer gifts, but instead dampens, oppresses, and slowly kills our spirit.

One must always reflect and allow oneself the opportunity to mull over what has just happened. To deny ourselves this opportunity only short-changes us, preventing our growth from this experience. Believe it or not, growth does result. From the pain and discomfort, seeds are planted that will sprout in the spring of our transformation. Just as this time will come, so too, this time today is here for us to understand what it brings.

Poop Happens— And Then We Find the Beauty

"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." 
—Mary Pickford

My first serious relationship after my divorce, I fell in love with someone who decided to leave the state, er….run away from his life (okay this is my editorial comment). In the process of mourning the end of that relationship, I went through a difficult period, as one would imagine. The mourning of a relationship’s end is never easy, unless you have no feelings for the person.

Love Means Growth is Necessary

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.” —Richard Bach (Quote from his book “A Bridge Across Forever”)

A former relationship showed me that there are people out there who are so paralyzed with fear, that they will avoid making active decisions at all costs. Even at the cost of losing someone who loves them, and who they love in turn. They sit on the fence until by virtue of time spent on the fence, the decision has been made for them. They are moved about in whatever direction they get pushed, because it is less frightening than grasping accountability and making some tough and necessary choices. To these people, the concept of changing themselves is more frightening than being tossed about through life.

A Reason to Let Go, A Reason to Heal

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“When someone is in your life for a reason……they are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and it is now time to move on.”—Iyanla VanZant (from her book “Acts of Faith”)

So many times in the last few years, I have found myself referring to these words.  Life is like that, no matter what age you are, you will always experience loss of some kind. These are necessary losses, whether we choose to see them as such at the time, or not. We may not have felt prepared to deal with these losses, and certainly didn’t welcome them, but nonetheless the time to exit came. 

Only in the rear view mirror can one see where the loss shaped us and how we grew in the process. I do have to add a caveat here. We will only move forward and grow, if we choose not to stay stuck in the past and if we choose to forgive the loss. If we hold a grudge for the loss, we won’t be able to let it go.

I have struggled many times with the “letting go” part.

sPURR on Toward Courage

Being a single parent has its moments of extreme elation and moments where you feel as limp as a left over birthday balloon- deflated, barely floating off the floor, and seconds away from being flattened by a child's muddy sneaker soles. Ahh.....the joys, the adventures, the dramas, the heart-ache, the guilt. It's all in a day's work for any parent. Somehow though, for single parents, the emotion of a 24 hour period appears more pronounced. Of course, my perspective isn't objective by any means. Being a single parent myself, I can only speak from this perspective.

Courage. It can mean so many things to different people. I suppose like beauty, it too is in the eyes of the beholder. There are moments where friends have expressed admiration for how I have it so together. I suppress my laughter and humility quickly emerges as I share that often I do not feel particularly courageous. That in fact sometimes I feel like a complete chicken and would gladly let someone step in and take care of things for a while. Long enough for me to vacation in some really expensive mountain resort spa where they peel your grapes and do everything for you but chew your food. It couldn't be one of those spas where you have to attend some 5 am yoga class, though. I can't discover my spirituality if I have to wake up that early to find it. Not being a morning person, I'll be a slacker and find God after 10 am, thank you! He's hanging out with me anyway, as I sleep.

So what is courage anyway? Sounds so lofty. Is it even attainable? Or is it one of those elusive things, like clouds- a moving target? Are you courageous in one moment and a chicken in an hour? I believe you don't reach a pinnacle of courage and stay there forever more. I think it's more like eating ice-cream. When you experience it, you are so in the moment of it, savoring and relishing in the tingly enthusiasm that it provokes. An hour later, a day later, the childish enthusiasm dissipates, and you have forgotten the feeling.

Courage has a way of tapping on your shoulder asking to come in, even when you aren't ready to put on your armour. The situation arrives requiring you to do what you have to do, because if you don't, it won't get done. It's the moment when it all hits the fan at once and you find yourself wondering how you're supposed to handle it all at once.

Every single parent has more than one of these times when they feel overwhelmed. Often, in these moments, is when I drop to my knees and pray. Sometimes it has to all pile on the plate, before I realize I left Him off the plate. Once the anxiety steps in, the lack of peace rattles me, I am reminded I left out the most important ingredient. I was trying to deal with it all on my own again. Interesting how when I try to handle it all on my own, I usually can make such a mess of it. Or I think I'm going great, have it all under control, and then wham! Something more steps in and quickly reminds me that I am not in control here. If I continue with my stubbornness (as often can be the case), suffering continues until I decide to surrender to God.

Sometimes I think I'm surrendering to God just because I'm praying. When I don’t get the immediate results I want, I get discouraged. Often I don’t even get the results I asked for. In moments like these it's so easy for me to lose faith and patience. I have wondered if he’s really listening. Fortunately for us, our Heavenly Father understands our human nature, and how our trust in Him can be so fickle- far from steadfast. Yet He goes on loving us despite our moments of disappointment and even anger toward Him, when we mistakenly think he's not listening. Often it is "me" who is not listening. I'm not getting it. I'm asking God's help, but simultaneously trying to direct the outcome.

One quote I always find inspirational during these moments is: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your path straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

When I begin to question why I'm not seeing the results I want, exactly as I want them, I have to stop and ask, is it my will or God's will I am seeking? In which case it's pretty obvious to me the answer. Just because I don't understand the whys (that would be me needing to be in the know- in control), doesn't mean God isn't working His plan. It's on His timetable, not mine. And that's not for me to control.

As we experience the everyday challenges of life and single parenting, it's easy to get caught up in fear. It debilitates us and forces us away from trusting God. It also acts to steal our courageousness. In moments where I am grappling with fear, I acknowledge I am afraid, and ask God to replace my fear with trust in Him. I also look for inspiration, either through reading the bible, or a favorite book which I've already highlighted key uplifting phrases. Also picking up the phone and talking to someone who inspires and lifts you up, can add that necessary support that is often needed when we don't have a partner to talk to. But above all, these things are just band-aids if we do not go to our ultimate source- our Father in heaven- to request his guidance.

So as I escaped for a while to write this, it was possible to do so because my daughter was completing her homework. At 14, and with a sharp sense of humor, she's quick to remind me how I'm not being the responsible "single parent" because I forgot to wash some raspberries for her to snack on. With a smirk, she relishes rubbing in: "How nice. You're writing about being a good single parent, meanwhile you're neglecting your daughter." Nothing like your own child to keep you focused and centered on reality. Just as I try to relax and write, my child's mission is to find ways to interrupt. Especially since my focus is not entirely on her at the moment. I think this also comes from being an only child- she's used to me giving her all my attention. The weening process and necessary task of teaching her self-reliance is underway. Apparently I have more work to do toward this endeavor.

By the way, our 88 yr old (human years) cat has an upper respiratory infection and needs her anti-biotic and decongestant pills. Have you ever tried prying open a cat's steely jaws filled with razor sharp needle teeth? Per Vet's orders, I've been attempting to flick a couple of pills down her throat. Only she keeps propelling them back out at me. Let's just say her breath is more difficult to deal with right now than the jaw wrestling. Now having successfully deposited the pills into the furry Pez dispenser, I'm feeling a bit courageous. There's nothing like a successful endeavor to spur one on toward courage. I'm ready now for my next challenge. I'm happy to report I'm feeling courageous enough to take on the menacing pile of laundry I have awaiting me.

May you and your family be Blessed!
-Ella