Noncommital Dead End

“A dead end street is a good place to turn around”—Naomi Judd





Looking at my blog statistics, I noticed a large interest in the post, “Honoring Ourselves—Saying No to Noncommittal Men.” It got me to thinking that there must be a large number of women who are in non-committal relationships. The fact that they are googling this subject must mean that at some level they are unhappy about it. 

If it bothers you to be in a noncommittal relationship, this is an opportunity for your renewal. It’s a prod that there are better possibilities for your life. You don’t have to settle for less than you deserve.

With every noncommittal couple there is an agreement, be it a conscious one or not. The agreement is that this noncommittal state is acceptable. Usually the one who wants more from the relationship tells herself something like, “He just needs time” or “He was hurt by his ex and he’s afraid…I just have to be patient.”

It is always the one who wants more that is left holding shattered shells, perhaps hoping that if she doesn’t shake them (by bringing up the subject), these pieces will unshatter themselves and converge to a whole.

Why do people lie to themselves?

The answer to that question is unique to every individual. And that is a good place to start, on “oneself.” As long as we keep telling ourselves a lie, we will not understand what within us opened the door to a noncommittal person. Often, a lack of self-esteem and understanding of our value, is why we accept a noncommittal person into our lives. What is the barrier we have erected to our self-acceptance as truly worthy and deserving of a man who will commit his heart? Sometimes it’s an addiction to “fix” someone, that doesn’t allow us to properly set filters, so what we attract are men who are a project.

If you are a single mom, erecting filters is even more critical to protect your children from the heartache of a noncommittal man. Whatever he is not able to provide for you, he definitely is not able to provide them. They, like you, deserve someone whose love will be given freely without limits and conditions. These little eyes and ears are observing you. This is a teaching moment to them, likely to impact their own self-esteem. They deserve a parent figure who will love and commit to loving them in a healthy manner. Remember you are a package deal, whatever the man withholds from you, he withholds from your children.

When my co-worker was in his 30’s, he dated women with kids and got involved with their kids’ lives. He developed a bond with the children. Then when the relationship ended, he severed his contact with the children and moved on to the next relationship. It was surprising to me how many women fell for his good looks and personality, but couldn’t see that he was a player. I saw this happen time and time again. He’s now in his 50’s. He’s still having success at this lifestyle. All I can surmise is that there are a lot of women who are lonely and lacking self-esteem. But what is sad is that in the process, how many children’s hearts has he broken? Protecting our kid’s hearts is a parent’s job and shouldn’t be left to the person entering the scene. Likely they are self-serving (especially if noncommittal) and won’t give it a second thought when they move on or continue to string the woman along.

Often, when in a noncommittal relationship we find our thoughts focused primarily on the other person and we speculate on the potential reasons for his state. Sometimes women stay with these men because they feel sorry for him because he didn’t have a good start in life, or he had someone hurt him along the way. Sometimes thinking that if you love him enough, you can break this noncommittal stronghold. We think “we” can be instrumental and that we hold the answer to his healing. It is a lie designed to keep our lives hostage waiting on one person’s decision to grow up. 

What if you’re on an airplane experiencing turbulence, and the oxygen masks drop, do you wait on someone else to place the mask on your face? If you’re a child, yes.  Imagine yourself staring at the dangling oxygen mask. Do you sit there taking no action to save yourself? Do you sit there waiting for someone else to decide whether you live? To decide for you whether to place the mask on your face?

No! Your fight or flight instinct kicks in and you reach for the mask yourself, because you want to live! This analogy is of a scenario that is extreme and not a typical daily decision. But why should your every day life be any different? The decision we make on ordinary days are also life altering. Our life moves in one direction or another, depending on what we decide to act on during these ordinary days.

The agreement (whether spoken or not) you have with this person is that he wants you there making no waves, ignoring the obvious and in essence ignoring the problem. And without realizing it, you enable him, disregarding your needs and dreams for your life in the process.

During all the time you are trying to “fix” him or “wait” on him, you don’t put the mask on you and instead, essentially reach into his space placing it on him. Looking for signs that he is turning a corner and opening his heart. Looking for something that is not there. Any little sign that he is almost getting to a point where he can commit, if only you stick it out longer. The thing is, this is all perception. You are perceiving what his behavior or words “really” mean. You are assigning a meaning to them to make you hang on longer. You can hang on for years on a perception that at the end will prove to have been an error. You are perceiving what you want to perceive.

The truth is, as I myself have discovered, that I must be willing to look at the truth about “myself” and invest in “myself” to rid myself of this disease to “fix” someone. When you correctly place your energy on your own growth, it “will” yield marvelous results. You will no longer wish to throw your precious energy down a sink hole. Instead, you will value yourself and want to invest more in you.

It is a lie to think that we have the power to change a man. It is for God to reckon with your noncommittal man. He is not just noncommittal to you. His noncommittal roots run deep, permeating his life and spiritual walk.

If you decide you want to live life to the fullest, let go of your project (changing a man), and breathe in deep as you reach for your oxygen mask. What does this concretely mean? You take all that energy you formerly put into the distraction from living your life— because all the time spent thinking on him has kept you from thinking on you—and now focus on the work you are called in your own life to perform. The right relationship you deserve will make its way to you once you develop the right relationship with yourself.

Ella Venezia

Copyright © 2014 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved.

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Our Happiness— Expectations We Place on Partners

For those of us who are single and ready for that special relationship, if we are not wise, we may unwittingly set ourselves up for failure when we begin our search upon a foundation that is error-laden.

This happens when we put our hope in ideals and fantasies we have about relationships. One such fantasy is that a new man or woman, the “right one” of course, will deliver us into a realm of happily ever. This concept often assigns the responsibility to the other person, to take us there. In essence, we have heaped a lot of expectations upon the role that this person must fulfill. We basically rest on them as our foundation for our happiness.

When embarking on such a fantasy, inevitably it is interrupted when the discovery is made that “they” no longer “make us happy.” Or as I was once told, “You are no fun any more.” The fantasy ends with one or both bolting away from the relationship in search for another “they” to fill this unrealistic perception of relationships and love.

I would like to say that I am describing what teens and children do, but unfortunately, this type of behavior is repeated throughout all adult age groups. In fact, I would venture to say that children are more mature than this, than to bolt at the first signs of reality. After all, they have a lot of practice putting up with adults.

A friend of mine recently lost a lot of weight. When I saw her she said with enthusiasm, “Now all I need is a man to be my motivation to keep losing!” My heart hurt for her when I heard this. When we assign to someone else other than ourselves, this role of driver and catalyst for change, we essentially sign away our power and place it in the hands of another. Nothing long term and sustainable results when this happens. A few years back she lost a lot of weight and met a man who swept her off her feet. She assigned him then, the role as her catalyst to continue losing weight. In less than 2 weeks he was prophesing he loved her, in over a month they were engaged. Then out of nowhere he disappeared and would not return her calls. I think you know where I am going with this. Sadly similar scenarios have occurred to a variety of people, though the details may vary, the outcome is typically the same. When the relationship ends, the weight comes flying back on.

Why?

Because we heap our expectations of deliverance onto someone else. We give the other person the role that we must own. We are constantly looking for someone else to make us happy. Weight issues are never just about liking food too much. If you dig deeper you will discover the root cause. This can be said for any addiction, not just food.

Running away can be an addiction, also.

Some adults are addicted to remaining perpetually in childhood.

I know someone who kept coming into my life, then bolting at the first sign of anything he was not equipped to handle, basic life and relationship skills.  When I let someone into my life, I have to take responsibility for my choice. If instead I focus entirely on what he did or didn’t do, and his issues as I perceive them, then I am pouring all my energies into something I have no business doing: living someone else’s life for them. In the interim, who is living mine? My job is to see what this is to teach me about me. My life requires I pour my energy into solving my own mysteries. Making my own discoveries about myself, and learning where I need to grow.  

In the initial phase of dating, before you make the decision to go on that first date, the second, and so on, you must have an understanding of yourself—What your core values are, what you believe, what you struggle with, where you need to grow, whether you want to grow, and what are you doing about it? Without this, you cannot determine clear character traits this person must possess and won’t be capable of differentiating if they are present, or have the strength to say “no” to the wrong relationship if it appears in a deceiving shiny attractive package.

But first, one must come to terms with the expectations of the role for each adult participant. We cannot assign to the other, the ownership of our happiness. Our foundation must be sturdier and more solid than to put it in the hands of flawed human beings.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

Its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit.”  (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

Notice that this bible passage is clearly expressing reality, not a fantasy. It foretells that heat will come. It doesn’t say “if” but “when” heat comes. It doesn’t say “if” a drought arrives, but ”in a year of drought” meaning to expect droughts to come. The reality is that these challenges happen on earth, just as they happen in relationships. When the heat arrives, what do you do? Do you run? When things get uncomfortable, tough, do you run? If we do not put our confidence in the Lord, which is a steady foundation with life pulsating roots that run deep and whose source is living waters, we are putting our confidence in someone (the other person in the relationship) who is flawed. When you base your foundation on something flawed, it will succumb to fear when the problems and challenges arrive, as they always do in every relationship.

The person who believes in fantasy, believes that there is a relationship (just around the corner, possibly the next one) where they will not experience any discomfort or sacrifice. It will always be “fun” and light and require no work out of them. Wee!

Reminds me of the passage,

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.” (1Corinthians 13:11)

Adulthood is a time to assess our childish ways and readjust our thinking regarding the lies we have believed which have not yielded beneficial results. The lie that relationships are supposed to be effortless and no work, is a classic lie that only works in the cinema where a relationship is limited to ninety minutes.

I am encouraged when I meet single men who understand reality and are not afraid of it. Men who place their trust on a sound foundation. Below is an exerpt I am sharing from such a man, to be an encouragement to all the women who believe the lie that all good men are taken or married. This is from a divorced man who has done his work and gets it:

“Another thing I am realizing, at this age in life, is that we each have different experiences and cultures and it is not possible for two people to see everything the same on every issue. We need to be wise enough to discern differences that really don’t affect the closeness of a relationship and differences that will pull apart a relationship. Because the differences will be there.

I say all this to point out that I want to be very open about the many facets of my life, past, present and future. My plans, and feelings, even at the risk of you rejecting me. I would rather have you reject me now than later. If I am not willing to do that, then I don’t think you should even want to get to know me. How can you make an honest evaluation of whether you would want to allow a person in your life if you don’t really know what you are signing up for?

It’s important to share similar “character” like honesty, fairness, responsible, doing the right thing even when it is a sacrifice. And of course, foremost, and I remember your profile pointing out a similar thought, a real love for God and a commitment through trials to keep focus on God. Not an up and down waverer, going on feelings. And in looking for all that, I have the responsibility to be that way myself. And I am not meaning perfection, for either of us, but generally in life, we should be able to trust one another to live their life accordingly.

Trustworthiness is a biggie, and I think we all have to make effort to not be selfish, and look to our own desires, at least at the expense of the other. And bible study and prayer and just so much more enters the picture. And I am still learning too, don’t want to portray I think I have arrived. I know there is much I don’t understand. And am not afraid to admit it.”

So refreshing to know that single adult responsible men who trust in God exist! 

Ella Venezia

Copyright © 2014 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved. 

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Honoring Ourselves—Saying No to Noncommittal Men

“If you won’t grow with me, you won’t go with me.” ~ T.D.Jakes 

My friend shared that she once dated a man who had a similar complaint about all his past girlfriends, “She was getting too serious and wanted to get married.”

Dating— The Wolf who Hides Behind God

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

When I think of entrapment, I am reminded how often we single women (with children or not) may fall erroneously for a wolf….uh….man…..hiding behind the cloak of a Godly man.

A few years back when I initially joined an Internet dating site, I met a guy who was extremely helpful by emailing me tips and assistance for managing my new profile. I must credit him for informing me that unbeknownst to me, my real name was revealed on my emails. He advised me to use a bogus name when setting up my email.

Divine Appointments— How God Reveals His Love for Us

“Give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your weakness. “— Mother Teresa

How often in our doubtful minds we question how God can use us for His purpose when we may not feel strong enough, or faithful enough.

What is His purpose? If he’s God surely His purpose is magnanimous. Maybe we don’t feel we are strong enough for magnanimous duties? Maybe we do not feel good enough, or spiritually developed enough to be used for His plan?

But he uses every one of us, every day. He uses us exactly where we are. We do not have to be monks or people who spend most of our day on our knees.  In fact, I believe you may actually question God’s existence, and He will still use you for the good of humanity.

Each of us has unique qualities and life circumstances that can be God’s portal to delivering reassurance, hope, peace, and love to others.

Relationship Solitude- The Absence of Intimacy and Meaningful Dialogue

“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” – Rolo May

In the waiting room of the physical therapy clinic, I watched as a woman in a wheel chair was called to proceed into the therapy area. She began to roll herself forward, then stopped, and turned to speak to her husband. I didn’t hear the conversation, but observed her body language. She shook her head in a very disappointed manner when she noticed he was not beside her, but rather already at the exit door leaving the facility.  She returned her gaze in front of her as she navigated slowly and awkwardly down the aisle alone. I felt a sadness for her solitude.

Just moments earlier there was a couple seated by each other, engaged in conversation and enjoying each other’s company.  When one was called, the other got up and both proceeded to the appointed area together. Both sets of couples appeared to be in their early 60’s.  I was struck by the contrast between the couples. One couple was clearly there as a “couple” fully invested in the well-being of the other.  Juxtaposed to this model, was the portrait of the woman in the wheel chair who was left on her own to fend for her self.

It brought to my attention the reality that there are so many lonely people in relationships.

Want to Date a Single Mom?— Things to Keep in Mind

“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” ~Sophia Loren

Talking to some single moms we got onto the subject of dating and how different it is— and should be— when a woman has children. Our priorities and focus are different from women with no children. Post kids, no longer do we put our individual desires front and center in our lives. We see the world through how our actions affect our children, and consequently, how the actions of those we let in, affect them as well. 

I have often found that guys who are not, nor have ever been a parent/guardian could use some tips prior to pursuing a single mom:

Each of us a Mosaic Worthy of Discovery

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” – Martha Graham

I happened upon this image and was taken by it. I got to thinking how this mosaic is a metaphor to describe our lives— the depth and breadth each of us contains. Not one piece alone defines us, but the unique pattern which emerges as we accumulate experiences and express dreams, desires, and talents, is what highlights our individuality.

Recently while attending a volunteer effort, this guy struck up a conversation with me. He seemed interested in me, because he made it a point to find me again and continue the conversation. We talked again in the days that followed, yet what struck me, was the fact that he always seemed to stay at a shallow level with his dialogue.

Poop Happens— And Then We Find the Beauty

"You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." 
—Mary Pickford

My first serious relationship after my divorce, I fell in love with someone who decided to leave the state, er….run away from his life (okay this is my editorial comment). In the process of mourning the end of that relationship, I went through a difficult period, as one would imagine. The mourning of a relationship’s end is never easy, unless you have no feelings for the person.

Dating Service- Through the Eyes of a Child and Single Mom, Part 2

“Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.” —Plato

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The dating service arranged a meeting for me after work, on a Friday my daughter was to be with her dad. That morning, as I was in my closet, my daughter asked, “Do you know what you’re going to wear?”

"No." 

“What kind of a look are you going for? Are you going for the sexy look?”

Where does she get this stuff? I don’t use the word “sexy” with my child, but there are multiple sources in a child’s life where they can pick up all sorts of language and ideas.

We stood in my closet as she pointed and selected various items, trying to match them for me. Eventually we made a combined selection—Of course I had veto power.

Dating Service- Through the Eyes of a Child and Single Mom, Part 1

“To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself.” —Josh Billings
  

During the timeframe when I was trying out the dating service that I wrote about in Stint With Dating Service, my daughter was 11 years old.  I decided to use a couple of my dates as an opportunity to demonstrate what healthy dating is, with boundaries and awareness.

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First, let me say that my rule is that I only date when she is away visiting her father. I don’t get a baby sitter just for me to go out on a date.  I want to minimize disruptions of her routine and I don’t want to introduce feelings of insecurity— where she feels second to a stranger in my life. She needs to always know she is first. Additionally, since most of these first dates never turn into second, had I taken precious time away from my daughter, I would have regretted it. I don’t want to date at her expense, or even at the expense of me missing out on precious moments with her.

Love Means Growth is Necessary

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.” —Richard Bach (Quote from his book “A Bridge Across Forever”)

A former relationship showed me that there are people out there who are so paralyzed with fear, that they will avoid making active decisions at all costs. Even at the cost of losing someone who loves them, and who they love in turn. They sit on the fence until by virtue of time spent on the fence, the decision has been made for them. They are moved about in whatever direction they get pushed, because it is less frightening than grasping accountability and making some tough and necessary choices. To these people, the concept of changing themselves is more frightening than being tossed about through life.

Sometimes Beginnings are Best Interrupted

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

— Marilyn Monroe

Below is an excerpt from my journal during a time when a guy I met on an Internet dating site engaged me in an email dialogue:

The fact that I am considering this is not judgment. It is just an observation. We already had been emailing back and forth for a few days, when I shared a personal experience related to a trip photo I posted on my profile site. I exposed my vulnerability through sharing this meaningful moment with him. His responses were “What kind of camera did you use. The pictures and the picture quality is beautiful!” and, “Wow you are beautiful.” To which I felt let down and disillusioned. 

A Reason to Let Go, A Reason to Heal

Source: Google Search Images

“When someone is in your life for a reason……they are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and it is now time to move on.”—Iyanla VanZant (from her book “Acts of Faith”)

So many times in the last few years, I have found myself referring to these words.  Life is like that, no matter what age you are, you will always experience loss of some kind. These are necessary losses, whether we choose to see them as such at the time, or not. We may not have felt prepared to deal with these losses, and certainly didn’t welcome them, but nonetheless the time to exit came. 

Only in the rear view mirror can one see where the loss shaped us and how we grew in the process. I do have to add a caveat here. We will only move forward and grow, if we choose not to stay stuck in the past and if we choose to forgive the loss. If we hold a grudge for the loss, we won’t be able to let it go.

I have struggled many times with the “letting go” part.

In Spite of Fear of Heights

“It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.”— 2 Samuel 22:33 

Zugspitze at 2,962 meters (9,843 ft)

Source: http://www.zugspitze.de/

Fear is something we all deal with at different levels and times in our lives. The thing about fear is that like a nightmare, it exists for a limited time, and only while we sleep. Once we decide to awaken from it, it no longer has power over us. Overcoming something we fear takes one act of faith on our part. If we are conscious in the moment of the fear, we can acknowledge it’s scary, but decide in spite of the fear, to do it. Overcoming a fear doesn’t mean you don’t feel fear in the moment. It means you are acting “as if” you don’t fear it. You are doing what you would do if you didn’t fear.

I have a fear of heights.