Single Parent Faith: Boundaries in Dating

Showing posts with label Boundaries in Dating. Show all posts

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Honoring Ourselves—Saying No to Noncommittal Men

“If you won’t grow with me, you won’t go with me.” ~ T.D.Jakes

My friend shared that she once dated a man who had a similar complaint about all his past girlfriends, “She was getting too serious and wanted to get married.”

Dating— The Wolf who Hides Behind God

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

When I think of entrapment, I am reminded how often we single women (with children or not) may fall erroneously for a wolf….uh….man…..hiding behind the cloak of a Godly man.

A few years back when I initially joined an Internet dating site, I met a guy who was extremely helpful by emailing me tips and assistance for managing my new profile. I must credit him for informing me that unbeknownst to me, my real name was revealed on my emails. He advised me to use a bogus name when setting up my email.

The Misconception of Perfection in Love Relationships

“It’s not so terrible. Rather than dwell on problems why not look for life’s gifts? Every day is a present. Beautiful!”— Alice Herz-Sommer (108 yrs old- World’s oldest Holocaust Survivor)

The unexpected arrival of someone into my life is an opportunity to see God’s blessings, and simultaneously triggers all my inner demons and work still left undone. There’s never such a thing as “no fear,” even when I feel the gift has been delivered into my arms directly from God. The human fallible me, intercedes and interrupts the miracle. There’s a myriad of fears which creep in, little by little, trying to undermine the gift.

When his human flaws began to introduce themselves to me, like an onion exposing its layers, I could feel my resistance grow, as fear dug its heels in. This is always a very difficult period to navigate in a relationship: the flaw discovery phase. Not until you reach this place are you able to really begin the relationship part of the dating experience.

Want to Date a Single Mom?— Things to Keep in Mind

“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” ~Sophia Loren

Talking to some single moms we got onto the subject of dating and how different it is— and should be— when a woman has children. Our priorities and focus are different from women with no children. Post kids, no longer do we put our individual desires front and center in our lives. We see the world through how our actions affect our children, and consequently, how the actions of those we let in, affect them as well.

I have often found that guys who are not, nor have ever been a parent/guardian could use some tips prior to pursuing a single mom:

Each of us a Mosaic Worthy of Discovery

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” – Martha Graham

I happened upon this image and was taken by it. I got to thinking how this mosaic is a metaphor to describe our lives— the depth and breadth each of us contains. Not one piece alone defines us, but the unique pattern which emerges as we accumulate experiences and express dreams, desires, and talents, is what highlights our individuality.

Recently while attending a volunteer effort, this guy struck up a conversation with me. He seemed interested in me, because he made it a point to find me again and continue the conversation. We talked again in the days that followed, yet what struck me, was the fact that he always seemed to stay at a shallow level with his dialogue.

Dating Service- Through the Eyes of a Child and Single Mom, Part 2

“Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.” —Plato

Image Source: http://flic.kr/p/9srnvp

The dating service arranged a meeting for me after work, on a Friday my daughter was to be with her dad. That morning, as I was in my closet, my daughter asked, “Do you know what you’re going to wear?”

"No."

“What kind of a look are you going for? Are you going for the sexy look?”

Where does she get this stuff? I don’t use the word “sexy” with my child, but there are multiple sources in a child’s life where they can pick up all sorts of language and ideas.

We stood in my closet as she pointed and selected various items, trying to match them for me. Eventually we made a combined selection—Of course I had veto power.

Dating Service- Through the Eyes of a Child and Single Mom, Part 1

“To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself.” —Josh Billings

During the timeframe when I was trying out the dating service that I wrote about in Stint With Dating Service, my daughter was 11 years old. I decided to use a couple of my dates as an opportunity to demonstrate what healthy dating is, with boundaries and awareness.

Image Source: http://flic.kr/p/9srpvP

First, let me say that my rule is that I only date when she is away visiting her father. I don’t get a baby sitter just for me to go out on a date. I want to minimize disruptions of her routine and I don’t want to introduce feelings of insecurity— where she feels second to a stranger in my life. She needs to always know she is first. Additionally, since most of these first dates never turn into second, had I taken precious time away from my daughter, I would have regretted it. I don’t want to date at her expense, or even at the expense of me missing out on precious moments with her.

Laying the Groundwork for Our Kids' Future Dating Habits

Image From: http://flic.kr/p/9g8gXp
© All rights reserved by brandnewkathryn

Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another, it is the only means. — Albert Einstein

My daughter was about 11 yrs old at the time, when I realized how at such a tender age, kids are already in the throes of dating. Of course in their world the decision to go out and break up occurs often all in one day. And the criteria used is very rudimentary: “Are they cute?” Or in more modern terms: “Are they hot?” which you don’t exactly expect to hear out of the mouth of your child. The criteria pretty much starts and ends there, unless we teach them differently.

For this reason, the adolescent years are definitely not too early to begin discussing the dating topic. In fact, if you don’t begin early establishing the norm of open communication, they will recoil from you more than the usual clamming up moments in their teen years. No matter what age, if your child says they are “going” with someone or that they already have, then what are you waiting for? Get started engaging them in dialogue!

Love Means Growth is Necessary

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.” —Richard Bach (Quote from his book “A Bridge Across Forever”)

A former relationship showed me that there are people out there who are so paralyzed with fear, that they will avoid making active decisions at all costs. Even at the cost of losing someone who loves them, and who they love in turn. They sit on the fence until by virtue of time spent on the fence, the decision has been made for them. They are moved about in whatever direction they get pushed, because it is less frightening than grasping accountability and making some tough and necessary choices. To these people, the concept of changing themselves is more frightening than being tossed about through life.

Online Dating Pastor

A couple of yrs ago I met a guy who was a divorced pastor. Strangely enough he recognized me from a photo in an online dating service. I only put 1 photo on the site, as I typically do, to minimize being recognized out in public. Ironically, that was enough for him to pick me out of a sea of people in a very large crowd, one Sunday morning.

As the large slow moving crowd piled out of church, I noticed this good-looking guy standing next to me, smile at me. So, I smiled back of course.

Saying Good Bye to an Unhealthy Relationship

Infinite vastness

Infinite possibilities

Awaiting us as we step

Forward in faith

Reaching for God’s hand

To steady our fears

—Ella Venezia

(Image from lh4.googleusercontent.com)

Though we know better and cerebrally formulate how we need to lean on faith and trust, when the storms and trials of life arrive, we tend to duck into a cave, even if only for a short while. We take refuge in things that give us comfort, it could be comfort food, it could be sleep, it could be any number of things.

Defensive Players in Internet Dating

(Image from: www.alaboola.com)

Recently while on a dating site, I had an "IM" (instant message) exchange with a guy in his 30’s. It’s not his age talking, as I have had similar conversations with older men.

I’ll call him “IGMO30Something,” just for grins, and because I feel like being tacky.

"I'm 30 Something and Gorgeous"

Last year I signed onto a Christian dating site. It wasn’t a free service. I did expect a higher caliber of guy, truth be told. Maybe it’s because I paid, and maybe it’s because it’s a “Christian” site. Though I must admit, the guys who emailed me kept their correspondence clean— which is refreshing from the general dating sites. There are some who are genuine in their faith, which is also refreshing. However, other than that, the site is pretty much like any other dating site on the Internet. You can’t legislate crazies from signing up on these sites, just like you can’t prevent the abusers and manipulators, so beware.