Noncommital Dead End

“A dead end street is a good place to turn around”—Naomi Judd





Looking at my blog statistics, I noticed a large interest in the post, “Honoring Ourselves—Saying No to Noncommittal Men.” It got me to thinking that there must be a large number of women who are in non-committal relationships. The fact that they are googling this subject must mean that at some level they are unhappy about it. 

If it bothers you to be in a noncommittal relationship, this is an opportunity for your renewal. It’s a prod that there are better possibilities for your life. You don’t have to settle for less than you deserve.

With every noncommittal couple there is an agreement, be it a conscious one or not. The agreement is that this noncommittal state is acceptable. Usually the one who wants more from the relationship tells herself something like, “He just needs time” or “He was hurt by his ex and he’s afraid…I just have to be patient.”

It is always the one who wants more that is left holding shattered shells, perhaps hoping that if she doesn’t shake them (by bringing up the subject), these pieces will unshatter themselves and converge to a whole.

Why do people lie to themselves?

The answer to that question is unique to every individual. And that is a good place to start, on “oneself.” As long as we keep telling ourselves a lie, we will not understand what within us opened the door to a noncommittal person. Often, a lack of self-esteem and understanding of our value, is why we accept a noncommittal person into our lives. What is the barrier we have erected to our self-acceptance as truly worthy and deserving of a man who will commit his heart? Sometimes it’s an addiction to “fix” someone, that doesn’t allow us to properly set filters, so what we attract are men who are a project.

If you are a single mom, erecting filters is even more critical to protect your children from the heartache of a noncommittal man. Whatever he is not able to provide for you, he definitely is not able to provide them. They, like you, deserve someone whose love will be given freely without limits and conditions. These little eyes and ears are observing you. This is a teaching moment to them, likely to impact their own self-esteem. They deserve a parent figure who will love and commit to loving them in a healthy manner. Remember you are a package deal, whatever the man withholds from you, he withholds from your children.

When my co-worker was in his 30’s, he dated women with kids and got involved with their kids’ lives. He developed a bond with the children. Then when the relationship ended, he severed his contact with the children and moved on to the next relationship. It was surprising to me how many women fell for his good looks and personality, but couldn’t see that he was a player. I saw this happen time and time again. He’s now in his 50’s. He’s still having success at this lifestyle. All I can surmise is that there are a lot of women who are lonely and lacking self-esteem. But what is sad is that in the process, how many children’s hearts has he broken? Protecting our kid’s hearts is a parent’s job and shouldn’t be left to the person entering the scene. Likely they are self-serving (especially if noncommittal) and won’t give it a second thought when they move on or continue to string the woman along.

Often, when in a noncommittal relationship we find our thoughts focused primarily on the other person and we speculate on the potential reasons for his state. Sometimes women stay with these men because they feel sorry for him because he didn’t have a good start in life, or he had someone hurt him along the way. Sometimes thinking that if you love him enough, you can break this noncommittal stronghold. We think “we” can be instrumental and that we hold the answer to his healing. It is a lie designed to keep our lives hostage waiting on one person’s decision to grow up. 

What if you’re on an airplane experiencing turbulence, and the oxygen masks drop, do you wait on someone else to place the mask on your face? If you’re a child, yes.  Imagine yourself staring at the dangling oxygen mask. Do you sit there taking no action to save yourself? Do you sit there waiting for someone else to decide whether you live? To decide for you whether to place the mask on your face?

No! Your fight or flight instinct kicks in and you reach for the mask yourself, because you want to live! This analogy is of a scenario that is extreme and not a typical daily decision. But why should your every day life be any different? The decision we make on ordinary days are also life altering. Our life moves in one direction or another, depending on what we decide to act on during these ordinary days.

The agreement (whether spoken or not) you have with this person is that he wants you there making no waves, ignoring the obvious and in essence ignoring the problem. And without realizing it, you enable him, disregarding your needs and dreams for your life in the process.

During all the time you are trying to “fix” him or “wait” on him, you don’t put the mask on you and instead, essentially reach into his space placing it on him. Looking for signs that he is turning a corner and opening his heart. Looking for something that is not there. Any little sign that he is almost getting to a point where he can commit, if only you stick it out longer. The thing is, this is all perception. You are perceiving what his behavior or words “really” mean. You are assigning a meaning to them to make you hang on longer. You can hang on for years on a perception that at the end will prove to have been an error. You are perceiving what you want to perceive.

The truth is, as I myself have discovered, that I must be willing to look at the truth about “myself” and invest in “myself” to rid myself of this disease to “fix” someone. When you correctly place your energy on your own growth, it “will” yield marvelous results. You will no longer wish to throw your precious energy down a sink hole. Instead, you will value yourself and want to invest more in you.

It is a lie to think that we have the power to change a man. It is for God to reckon with your noncommittal man. He is not just noncommittal to you. His noncommittal roots run deep, permeating his life and spiritual walk.

If you decide you want to live life to the fullest, let go of your project (changing a man), and breathe in deep as you reach for your oxygen mask. What does this concretely mean? You take all that energy you formerly put into the distraction from living your life— because all the time spent thinking on him has kept you from thinking on you—and now focus on the work you are called in your own life to perform. The right relationship you deserve will make its way to you once you develop the right relationship with yourself.

Ella Venezia

Copyright © 2014 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved.

Image Source:

© Some rights reserved by SamWhited

https://www.flickr.com/photos/samwhited/6405911561/in/photolist

Quote Source:

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/a_dead_end_street_is_a_good_place_to_turn/188491.html

Dating— The Wolf who Hides Behind God

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

When I think of entrapment, I am reminded how often we single women (with children or not) may fall erroneously for a wolf….uh….man…..hiding behind the cloak of a Godly man.

A few years back when I initially joined an Internet dating site, I met a guy who was extremely helpful by emailing me tips and assistance for managing my new profile. I must credit him for informing me that unbeknownst to me, my real name was revealed on my emails. He advised me to use a bogus name when setting up my email.

The Misconception of Perfection in Love Relationships

“It’s not so terrible. Rather than dwell on problems why not look for life’s gifts? Every day is a present. Beautiful!”— Alice Herz-Sommer (108 yrs old- World’s oldest Holocaust Survivor)

The unexpected arrival of someone into my life is an opportunity to see God’s blessings, and simultaneously triggers all my inner demons and work still left undone. There’s never such a thing as “no fear,” even when I feel the gift has been delivered into my arms directly from God. The human fallible me, intercedes and interrupts the miracle. There’s a myriad of fears which creep in, little by little, trying to undermine the gift.

When his human flaws began to introduce themselves to me, like an onion exposing its layers, I could feel my resistance grow, as fear dug its heels in. This is always a very difficult period to navigate in a relationship: the flaw discovery phase. Not until you reach this place are you able to really begin the relationship part of the dating experience.

Relationship Solitude- The Absence of Intimacy and Meaningful Dialogue

“Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.” – Rolo May

In the waiting room of the physical therapy clinic, I watched as a woman in a wheel chair was called to proceed into the therapy area. She began to roll herself forward, then stopped, and turned to speak to her husband. I didn’t hear the conversation, but observed her body language. She shook her head in a very disappointed manner when she noticed he was not beside her, but rather already at the exit door leaving the facility.  She returned her gaze in front of her as she navigated slowly and awkwardly down the aisle alone. I felt a sadness for her solitude.

Just moments earlier there was a couple seated by each other, engaged in conversation and enjoying each other’s company.  When one was called, the other got up and both proceeded to the appointed area together. Both sets of couples appeared to be in their early 60’s.  I was struck by the contrast between the couples. One couple was clearly there as a “couple” fully invested in the well-being of the other.  Juxtaposed to this model, was the portrait of the woman in the wheel chair who was left on her own to fend for her self.

It brought to my attention the reality that there are so many lonely people in relationships.

Paris Amidst Teen Angst

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he’d learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain

Recently I ran across this photo of my daughter taken during a trip to beautiful Paris, the week of her spring break. She was 14 years old at the time, already a very difficult period in teen years, which explains why her back is to me. 

When I discovered her sneakily placing a call back to the U.S. to talk to a certain guy from school, it thrust me into a state of fear, disappointment and parental guilt.

Each of us a Mosaic Worthy of Discovery

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” – Martha Graham

I happened upon this image and was taken by it. I got to thinking how this mosaic is a metaphor to describe our lives— the depth and breadth each of us contains. Not one piece alone defines us, but the unique pattern which emerges as we accumulate experiences and express dreams, desires, and talents, is what highlights our individuality.

Recently while attending a volunteer effort, this guy struck up a conversation with me. He seemed interested in me, because he made it a point to find me again and continue the conversation. We talked again in the days that followed, yet what struck me, was the fact that he always seemed to stay at a shallow level with his dialogue.

Unhealthy Relationships— Purging the Bad, to Begin Anew

“What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life.” –Leo Buscaglia

At the intersection of change, one makes a bold and courageous decision to shed something or someone that no longer works in our lives. That no longer gifts, but instead dampens, oppresses, and slowly kills our spirit.

One must always reflect and allow oneself the opportunity to mull over what has just happened. To deny ourselves this opportunity only short-changes us, preventing our growth from this experience. Believe it or not, growth does result. From the pain and discomfort, seeds are planted that will sprout in the spring of our transformation. Just as this time will come, so too, this time today is here for us to understand what it brings.