Single Parent Faith

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Honoring Ourselves—Saying No to Noncommittal Men

“If you won’t grow with me, you won’t go with me.” ~ T.D.Jakes 

My friend shared that she once dated a man who had a similar complaint about all his past girlfriends, “She was getting too serious and wanted to get married.”

My friend listened concretely to his words, and stopped dating him. This is a wise woman.

Sadly that is not the story of many women. Many hang on long past when they should have said goodbye.

Why do women allow this? Maybe they hang on “hoping” the man will change. Meanwhile, they waste their precious life “waiting.” These months and years are never recovered, as time stands still for no one.

There are men who sit on fences, forcing their relationships into limbo. They may allude to a future, they may even mention a trip in the future, but you don’t directly hear from their lips specifically how they see you in their future. These men are long on avoidance and short on specifics.

If you sit on the fence with a man, you are allowing him to imprison you in his own paralysis. Did God breathe life into you so that you would spend your life as a prisoner? Or did He create you to be liberated, free to live the life He has purposed uniquely for you? How can you ever discover what that is, if you are trapped in someone else’s paralysis?

Are you waiting on someone else’s decision? Do you know that God has bigger and better things planned for you? Bigger than just waiting on someone else?

Today T.D. Jakes’ sermon reaffirmed that there are people who will “hold you hostage because they will not let you grow.” 

No one grows sitting on a fence.

So many women become the victims of men who have issues with their own self-esteem and worthiness. These guys are imprisoned by their past and lies they believe about themselves. Instead of listening to God, they listen to their fears.

“We’ll wind up divorced….” “Few marriages last these days…” “In ten years we may not be together…” There are a million excuses and ways a man can tell you he doesn’t want to marry you.

Listen to him. Don’t argue with him.

See his revelation as a gift. He is setting you free. Go. Fly. Don’t do like many who hang on because it’s not clear enough to them. Some women distort the words and believe instead that he “meant” something different. Some women will even provide excuses, “He loves me, he’s just not ready yet…”

As if a man who already isn’t treating you with dignity needs your help to bash your worth. Be thankful that he was honest, now go. There are plenty who are dishonest and will tell you what they think you want to hear, then string you along, never intending to spend their life with you.

Then there are those who say they want to live with you “first.” They will have good logical reasons why, while baiting you into a fear based life. They want to keep their options open—they want to have their cake and eat it too. They don’t respect you enough to marry you, but you’ll do for now. Why would you want to commit your heart to a man who dishonors you?

If you find yourself accepting any level of this behavior from a man, please use that as your wake up call to go seek help from a counselor, pastor, or mentor who can guide you to learn how to discover your self-worth.

Remember that a man doesn’t write your destiny, God does. So don’t wait on a man. If he doesn’t know what he wants, or is too afraid to move through God’s love, it’s time for you as a powerful woman, divine daughter that you are, to move on. Break free so that God can put you where he needs you. When you do this, you create space in your life for a loving man who will honor and respect you. There’s no room for this man to arrive when you’re too busy clutching onto a dead end relationship.

I have had to let go of such relationships in my past. It was easier to fall into these relationships and stay in them when I didn't have a strong sense of who I am and my value. I’ve come a long way but I still have to be vigilant so that I don’t fall asleep at the wheel. My last relationship was one where he was noncommittal. The difference now is that I didn’t embark to change him or offer excuses for him. I chose to see the truth before it had to cave in on me. However, none of that means I didn’t feel pain and sadness in the process of letting go.

I’m encouraged by my friend’s story. She later met the man who would then become her husband. This never would have happened if she’d wasted her time with Mr. Noncommittal. Instead she would have only gotten the scraps from the table of life, rather than the bountiful harvest God brought into her life.

Have you ever lingered longer in a relationship than you should have? If you could reach back to that earlier version of yourself, what counsel would you have given yourself?

Ella Venezia

T.D. Jakes Quotes: “The Love Letter” Sermon 11/4/12

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  1. I love your blog !

    Gladys Perotti
    Lima, Peru

    1. Thank you so much Gladys! I greatly appreciate your feed-back. I'm so glad you found your way to my bog! I look forward to your visits. :-)

      Blessings to you!

  2. Hello Ella!
    I loved what you wrote. Right now I am going through the pain of letting go of a non-committal pain and I wrote on my blog.It is like my little corner and my coping mechanism while trying to let go.The desire to send an email to him is so strong sometimes that to fight back,I just start writing whatever .I am also a single mom who went through 12 years of hell.However, right now I am just concentrating my pain and learn from it so that I won't get trapped anymore.My blog is am a newbie in blogging:)If you wanna drop by.I have no visitors yet because I have not told anybody around me yet.The pain is too fresh that I don't want to deal with any questions.
    Take care and good luck!

  3. Rosalyn-
    I understand the temptation of getting into contact with someone after a relationship ends. I think most people who formed any attachment with the other, go through a similar struggle. I think the key is seeing it for what it is. These temptation feelings are not meant to say that we belong with that person, especially if you made the decision based on deal breaker issues.

    Stay strong. Stay strong. Even when you don’t feel strong, remind yourself that you have to be strong for your kids. They need you to be an example of character. Saying “No” to the wrong relationship is a huge life lesson you teach your kids. So much is wrapped up in that, such as self-esteem. Your children will learn from your example that you must love and respect yourself first and foremost, and make relationship decisions based on that committal to yourself and to your children (not putting them in harm’s way by having a man in their life who is not of good character).

    You’re doing a great job. Remember that. Stay the course. And all will be well.
    Blessings to you and your children!


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