Sometimes Beginnings are Best Interrupted

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

— Marilyn Monroe

Below is an excerpt from my journal during a time when a guy I met on an Internet dating site engaged me in an email dialogue:

The fact that I am considering this is not judgment. It is just an observation. We already had been emailing back and forth for a few days, when I shared a personal experience related to a trip photo I posted on my profile site. I exposed my vulnerability through sharing this meaningful moment with him. His responses were “What kind of camera did you use. The pictures and the picture quality is beautiful!” and, “Wow you are beautiful.” To which I felt let down and disillusioned. 

These comments in and of themselves are not bad. It’s just that they were misplaced.  When someone shares something personal, or a vulnerability, that’s not the time to respond superficially, unless of course that is who you are.  He missed an opportunity to get to know me.

This wasn’t the first time I received no-brainer statements like these, when I put thought and heart into my responses. I have up until now refrained from defining what this relationship with him could be, in order not to pre-judge.

I opened up and surrendered to whatever possibilities could develop. What keeps coming back to me is not on the same energy level that I offer him. It is a very subtle and dull engagement of my senses. What he offers me doesn’t provoke me to move forward with a more meaningful relationship with him. It reminds me of my past, where I received similar responses, but I interpreted them to mean the guy needed my understanding and patience to open up and offer more of himself. Putting the responsibility on me.

Today, I choose not to take on a responsibility that is not mine. I do not want to repeat my painful past. I am in observation of my senses as my instinct responds to his communication with me. My instinct tells me we are on different paths.

Now in my life, I choose to have an intimate relationship with a man who can meet me where I stand today and engage me in a lively dance of meaning and purpose.  I deserve to be with someone who can cherish what I have to offer, and is able to bless me with a high level of intention. That is after all what I am coming to the table with for him.

Nothing more ever came of this correspondence. That is after all, the purpose of getting to know a man first via email communication. How the conversation goes illuminates a lot about a person's personality and character. Based on what I pick up from the exchange, leads me to make a more informed decision. If I already sense incompatibility, there's no point taking any further steps to talk on the phone or meet. Why waste either of our time if he is not able to engage all my senses where he is currently in his life? I said good-bye to fantasies of changing other people. If someone isn’t currently in a place where we both connect, that’s all right. We move on. It is after all the loving thing I can do for myself and my child, not to begin something unnecessary.

Ella Venezia

Copyright © 2011 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved.