“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost.” – Martha Graham
I happened upon this image and was taken by it. I got to thinking how this mosaic is a metaphor to describe our lives— the depth and breadth each of us contains. Not one piece alone defines us, but the unique pattern which emerges as we accumulate experiences and express dreams, desires, and talents, is what highlights our individuality.
Recently while attending a volunteer effort, this guy struck up a conversation with me. He seemed interested in me, because he made it a point to find me again and continue the conversation. We talked again in the days that followed, yet what struck me, was the fact that he always seemed to stay at a shallow level with his dialogue.
I asked myself, if he wants to get to know me, why isn’t he asking me the right questions? I gave him the benefit of the doubt, so I started with some of my own questions. He answered safely, but didn’t go deep in his answers and asked me the same questions, perhaps out of obligation. I answered without much depth myself. I get guarded like that when I’m in the company of someone who has a heavily armed guard at his gate.
I proceeded to have a dialogue in my head, in the absence of a more interesting one with him. It went something like, “There’s so much more to me. He hasn’t even scratched the surface. Does he even notice this? Why isn’t he asking the questions that will reveal the tiles to my mosaic?”
Our tiles are the very real things that mold and shape who we are. It is the reason why no two mosaics are identical. As such, that’s part of the excitement in getting to know someone, discovering their unique pieces.
Often however, when a person has intimacy issues, they have difficulty expressing an interest at a deeper connection level. That’s why we single people have to be careful not to let the physical feelings or the chemistry distract us from noticing that we really don’t know this individual. Some people want to get physically involved because they think that is intimacy. It’s not. It’s just an act without going through the discovery and the bonding that occurs with this process (which means over a long period of time), when we seek to truly know what lies within another.
“Time with someone does not a connection make. Only true sharing and intimacy create connection…If you spend significant amounts of time with an individual and still feel far away from him or her, something is wrong. You do not have a connection. Furthermore, this can be a signal that real danger is present. People who are not able to get close often act out that isolation in affairs, two-faced betrayals, broken confidences and trusts, addictions, and a whole host of other problem dynamics… If you are uneasy about a relationship, ask yourself, Does this relationship breed more togetherness or more isolation within me? If you feel alone in the relationship, that’s not a good sign.” –Cloud & Townsend’s “Safe People.”
I would add that we must steer away from people who pursue us, but do not want to truly know our hearts. And as for the ones who do want to get to know us, pay attention to how they use this information. Do they keep it safe? Or do they exploit us or try to hurt us with the vulnerability we’ve shared? That’s why in the beginning we should take care how we share our private selves. We must build upon trust, step by step, without pouring it all out during the first conversation. As they prove to be trustworthy with what we’ve already shared, we can then share more within the boundaries and timetable that’s safe for us.
“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.”— Proverbs 20:5
Each of us is a beautiful mosaic, containing a wellspring of life. To connect with others we must share our tiles. If we keep them hidden, they do not have the opportunity to glisten; moreover, we halt the flow of life, happiness, and our spirits become diminished. And anyone who isn’t excited about our tiles, needs to go explore the vinyl section instead.
Ella Venezia
Copyright © 2011 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved.
Hello Ella. I discovered your Blog via the Blog Farm (you commented on my post about Van Morrison). Great Blog but why don't you allow followers? I will post a link to your site now on mine. I'm a Christian working in faith media in the UK and I'll be taking our Breakfast radio show out to Israel next month at a very crucial time. If you want to keep track on progress please do visit thetartery.blogspot.com Despite the titile of the site, it is all very innocent and not about cooking either!
ReplyDelete"To connect with others we must share our tiles. If we keep them hidden, they do not have the opportunity to glisten; moreover, we halt the flow of life, happiness, and our spirits become diminished. And anyone who isn’t excited about our tiles, needs to go explore the vinyl section instead" I just love this Ella.
ReplyDeleteYour post brings up so many issues I find that I face as a single woman of a certain age. Sometimes I think I'm too picky and other times I don't believe I am, I just want some quality conversation. I don't think that's too much to ask for, is it?
@Ian-Luke
ReplyDeleteIan- I'm glad you enjoy the blog. I appreciate your feedback. Also thanks for posting a link on your site. Looking forward to reading more, and of your upcoming trip.
May the Lord watch over you in your travels!
-Ella
Alvarado-Thank you. I'm so glad this post resonated with you.
ReplyDeleteI understand...boy do I understand, regarding the quality conversation. And no, it is not too much to ask for. It really (my opinion) comes down to the level of maturity and awareness that the other person has and consequently where he's at in his life. If it's not compatible with where you are, the conversation is flat, at best.
That is regardless of age, by the way. I hear the same observation from my daughter who is only 17, and a young woman in her 20's. It takes a special guy who has a high emotional IQ to converse at a level that connects. There are men out there like this. I've met many of them, unfortunately the ones I have met thus far are married (or technically still married). I'm hopeful to meet a non-married one and I'll pray the same for you! :)
-Keep being Hopeful and the beautiful woman you are! (God's listening)
-Ella
I love reading your blog so much. I can relate to this on this particular post on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteI have been in relationships with those who pursue me but do not show much interest in getting to know my heart or my mind and I have been with someone who showed a tremendous interest in getting to know me only to use what I shared to hurt me and humiliate me in an attempt to control me. It really makes it hard to let your guard down.
Angela- Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the blog. I try to keep it real here, and write about experiences that may not always be written about.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read that someone manipulated your openness to share, for their personal gain & to control you. Not cool. You bring up a very real concern and danger in letting one's guard down. I think that's something that we can't 100% guard against, but we can certainly shut down exposure to them, once we see the onset of the person taking our info and misusing it. We need to call them on it- in the beginning of seeing them do this- tell them we know what they are doing and that it's unacceptable! They may not care but the point is that in our vocalizing it, they know that we are "aware." We are not clueless, and we are not accepting their behavior, therefore in so voicing, they see we are not powerless.
I think the key is in taking it slow. Usually the manipulators/abusers are in a hurry to find stuff out. Danger sign #1. If you feel pushed/rushed, then you know this is not right, and you can end it there. No need to share further.
But let's say he's not pushy. Then share a little at a time. Over a long period of time (whatever feels comfortable to you). In taking your time you'll see how he cares for the info you've shared thus far with him. If he's not using it against you, but rather respectfully honoring your trust, then you know you can share a bit more.
But the minute you sense him manipulating you with your info, you run for the hills! You owe him no explanation. You end the relationship. Don't get caught up in his drama of you owing him an explanation. You have to be swift, decisive, and like a guillotine be dramatic and stern with your "NO." Manipulators are masters at going after you to get an explanation or to "talk it over" with you. They want to ensnare the woman with their cruel and unhealthy game. If they get an audience with you, they will offer their excuses and hope to wear you down. Or let the chemistry between you tempt you to accept their apology and lie to yourself that he's sincere and really won't do it again.....the LIE WE TELL OURSELVES.
It's best to be very short, direct, and if necessary, tick him off. I don't mean antagonize him. But rather say something that makes him break up with you. So he thinks it's his idea. So he's mad at you and thinks you are a loser and you've missed out on such a catch as he.....all the better. Let him go on believing this....you are free of him.
If a man is healthy and loving, you will share and he will protect your trust and love you all the more for letting your guard down.
-Ella