Single Parent Faith

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Defensive Players in Internet Dating

(Image from:
  Recently while on a dating site, I had an "IM" (instant message) exchange with a guy in his 30’s. It’s not his age talking, as I have had similar conversations with older men.

     I’ll call him “IGMO30Something,” just for grins, and because I feel like being tacky.

     IGMO30Something: hey
     Me: hello
     IGMO30Something: how are you
     Me: I'm doing great thanks...and you?
      IGMO30Something: like your pic and profile
      Me: what do you like about my profile?
      IGMO30Something: You seem like nice person
      IGMO30Something: and you have nice pic...
       IGMO30Something: is that acceptable
       Me: thank you for your compliments. Your profile doesn't say much about you
       IGMO30Something: What did you want to write a novel
       IGMO30Something:  I am not Stephen king...
        IGMO30Something:  if someone wants to know-they can ask
         IGMO30Something: not meant in rude way
         Me: k      
          IGMO30Something: well i am single --work as social worker
           IGMO30Something: passion sports and reading and enjoy history and art
           IGMO30Something: and family
           Me: what kind of social work do you do?
            IGMO30Something: mental health social work-familie and children- what type of work do you do
             Me: engineer             
             IGMO30Something: what kind
             Me: with aircraft
              IGMO30Something: so had you had luck on here
              IGMO30Something: I mean dating wise
              IGMO30Something: so you had some good dates
              Me: I don't like discussing that with someone I don't know
               IGMO30Something: why it's not like i am writing a novel about it
               Me: for a counselor you should know better and respect people's boundaries      
               IGMO30Something: I am not counselor..
                IGMO30Something: LPC and social work is different
                IGMO30Something: actually
                IGMO30Something: have a great night
                Me: have a good night. I wish you the best in your search for the right person.
                  ….he had already signed off while I was typing my last words.
                   1) Don’t trust a person with bad grammar. I mean    really, how hard is it to type a “?” after each question?— Okay so this is a frivilous observation on my part.
                  2) Red flag: Beware of a person who invades your private space such as your dating life asking questions that are too personal, too quickly. He’s a stranger, not someone I have established a trusting relationship with. Trust takes time and judgment concerning his character. Anyone expecting that I need to answer a question just because he asks it, and then gets defensive when I don’t, has definite boundary issues.  
                  3) Red Flag: He got defensive initially when I commented that he didn’t have much written in his profile (He only had a couple of vanilla sentences written about himself). The fact that he got defensive twice and sarcastic is a bad sign. 
      This points to someone possibly  confrontational, who wants to fight rather than have a healthy relationship, much less a civil conversation.
Also, he could be using his sarcasm and defensiveness as a manipulation tactic, to take the focus off him and onto the person pointing it out. Diverting the attention away from himself, in other words, so that he doesn’t have to directly address my point.

                   Manipulative people are like Teflon, masterfully and quite quickly turning the attention away from themselves and onto you. They show agitation toward you, sarcasm, and even blame. In this case he didn’t directly use blame, but its implied when he abruptly decides to end the conversation Like a punishment for not giving him what he wanted. It seems childish, but it’s manipulative as well.

                    A couple of weeks later he tried to IM me. I didn’t accept. He showed me all I needed to see, the first time. I didn’t need to waste any more of my time. I draw the line when a person is manipulative, disrespectful, and doesn’t honor my boundaries.     Ella Venezia

“The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.” —Proverbs 14:8 (NIV)


  1. Wow. What a weird conversation - this guy seems to be missing a few mental marbles if you know what I'm saying. How weird. It's a good thing that conversation ended. I have an award for you by the way!

  2. I know, right? Makes me glad he did so (showing what's inside him) as soon as he did. What gets me is how he tried back again later. Really? I guess he imagined I'd be clueless and forget what transpired earlier. Like the old saying goes, insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

    Thank you so much for the Stylish Blogger award!! So wonderful of you. I will need to work on telling 7 things about myself and awarding to other blogs. I just started this blogging thing, so I have to spend more time on other blogs to get enough of a feel for other blogs. I continue to enjoy yours.


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