Defensive Players in Internet Dating

(Image from: www.alaboola.com)

  Recently while on a dating site, I had an "IM" (instant message) exchange with a guy in his 30’s. It’s not his age talking, as I have had similar conversations with older men.

     I’ll call him “IGMO30Something,” just for grins, and because I feel like being tacky.

    


 

     IGMO30Something: hey

     Me: hello

     IGMO30Something: how are you

     Me: I'm doing great thanks...and you?

      IGMO30Something: like your pic and profile

      Me: what do you like about my profile?

      IGMO30Something: You seem like nice person

      IGMO30Something: and you have nice pic...

       IGMO30Something: is that acceptable

       Me: thank you for your compliments. Your profile doesn't say much about you

       IGMO30Something: What did you want to write a novel

       IGMO30Something:  I am not Stephen king...

        IGMO30Something:  if someone wants to know-they can ask

         IGMO30Something: not meant in rude way

         Me: k      

          IGMO30Something: well i am single --work as social worker

           IGMO30Something: passion sports and reading and enjoy history and art

           IGMO30Something: and family

           Me: what kind of social work do you do?

            IGMO30Something: mental health social work-familie and children- what type of work do you do

             Me: engineer             

             IGMO30Something: what kind

             Me: with aircraft

              IGMO30Something: so had you had luck on here

              IGMO30Something: I mean dating wise

              IGMO30Something: so you had some good dates

              Me: I don't like discussing that with someone I don't know

               IGMO30Something: why it's not like i am writing a novel about it

               Me: for a counselor you should know better and respect people's boundaries      

               IGMO30Something: I am not counselor..

                IGMO30Something: LPC and social work is different

                IGMO30Something: actually

                IGMO30Something: have a great night

                Me: have a good night. I wish you the best in your search for the right person.

                  ….he had already signed off while I was typing my last words.

                   

                  Observations:

                   1) Don’t trust a person with bad grammar. I mean    really, how hard is it to type a “?” after each question?— Okay so this is a frivilous observation on my part.

                   

                  2) Red flag: Beware of a person who invades your private space— such as your dating life— asking questions that are too personal, too quickly. He’s a stranger, not someone I have established a trusting relationship with. Trust takes time and judgment concerning his character. Anyone expecting that I need to answer a question just because he asks it, and then gets defensive when I don’t, has definite boundary issues.  

                   

                  3) Red Flag: He got defensive initially when I commented that he didn’t have much written in his profile (He only had a couple of vanilla sentences written about himself). The fact that he got defensive twice and sarcastic is a bad sign. 

      This points to someone possibly  confrontational, who wants to fight rather than have a healthy relationship, much less a civil conversation.

                   
Also, he could be using his sarcasm and defensiveness as a manipulation tactic, to take the focus off him and onto the person pointing it out. Diverting the attention away from himself, in other words, so that he doesn’t have to directly address my point.

                   Manipulative people are like Teflon, masterfully and quite quickly turning the attention away from themselves and onto you. They show agitation toward you, sarcasm, and even blame. In this case he didn’t directly use blame, but its implied when he abruptly decides to end the conversation— Like a punishment for not giving him what he wanted. It seems childish, but it’s manipulative as well.

                    A couple of weeks later he tried to IM me. I didn’t accept. He showed me all I needed to see, the first time. I didn’t need to waste any more of my time. I draw the line when a person is manipulative, disrespectful, and doesn’t honor my boundaries.     Ella Venezia

“The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways, but the folly of fools is deception.” —Proverbs 14:8 (NIV)