Season of Expectancy

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Sitting with my friend at a local coffee shop, someone she knows popped in to talk with her. She was brimming with enthusiasm, so much so that I began to wonder if she was on drugs. How could someone be this happy?

She burst out declaring: “This is now my season to meet my husband! After now being divorced over 8 yrs, I am ready. This is my time.”

“What makes you so sure of this?” I blurted.  Here I am, divorced much longer than her, younger, and dare I say, more attractive than her! (Excuse me, but is my ego showing?) Don’t I deserve this season too? Truth be known, I was a bit irritated (okay, I was jealous) of her assuredness and zeal.

She continued, “I've finally forgiven my ex-husband. I’ve been in daily deep prayer and feel God has planted in my heart this desire, which keeps growing stronger. “

“You sound so jubilant and happy!” I had to contain my sarcasm.

“Stay expectant and hopeful.  No matter the past, God restores all.”

She paused, adding: “Do you believe you have the shield of favor from the Lord?”

Those words stung. I reflected privately on them, realizing that at some level I must feel I do not. 

  

Later when I got home I rushed straight to my bible and I randomly opened it to Matthew 7:7- “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you shall find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”  I have read this countless times throughout the years. I thought I believed it, but years of asking, and no apparent answer manifesting itself, has caused me to wonder why. 

I once had that same hope and fire in my belly. Where did it go? Replaced with the duties of the day, the daily grind of single parenthood, a demanding job, the relentless demands of life and home ownership, and the trials of parenting through the teenage years. So many reasons for distracting me from my dream, and letting it slip through my fingers. 

Why have I let go of a dream because it hasn't yet visibly manifested itself? It’s so human of me— So understandable after waiting for many years. Over the past few years I have prayed and prayed, shed many tears, and had countless moments where in surrender to His mercy I  dropped to my knees. So many years desirous of a divine partner’s support, yearning for the joy of being held in the arms of my loving husband, with still no trace of him.

Faith is tested in the wait. I fail terribly most of the times. But then I have my moments of ecstasy, where I am in perfect harmony with God and realize he is preparing me. He is working on me, perfecting me. And then, I humbly submit and practice obedience.  As I wait, I am not standing still. I am in motion.  The very essence of my imperfection is like a dance, where doubt pushes me away from Him, and then I draw nearer to Him, to feel his heartbeat.

As I reflected, I glanced upon Matthew 6: 33-34, “But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I have used this season of my life to grow nearer to Him. Realizing it is He I need to seek, rather than a spouse. I have tried to be obedient to His will. I try to be fully conscious and aware of what’s occurring in front and around me during my day—trying to listen when he urges me on toward action.  

It’s humanly impossible to maintain a constant vibrant level of hope every day for so many years. The human fallible me stumbles and loses grasp of hope from time to time. Sometimes hours, days, weeks at a time. Working to trust His will—and not my impatient one— is difficult to continuously maintain.

At times I am blissful in His love and I feel that’s all I need in my life to thrive. During these moments I feel I can live without a Godly partner. I am drunk on God’s love.  Then there are moments where I feel the void—the absence of my partner—and capitulate to my humanness.  I implore that He make me strong enough to accept living out my days single, if this is His will. But a sad regret traces through my being, truth be known.

It doesn’t help that when I recently went to a hardware store, a guy trying to hit on me asked if I was dating someone. Upon my answer of no, he wistfully said, “What a waste of a beautiful woman,” as he sized me up and down. I wasn’t sure how to take that— though it confirmed his intentions—it acted to me as a jab, a mockery of my unanswered prayers.

Yesterday this stranger walks into the coffee shop declaring with such certainty that this is her season to meet her husband, and it stirs inside me renewed hope. Today, in church as I was walking up the steps of the balcony, I noticed a man with a teenage daughter (I assumed) and as my daughter and I took our seats our eyes met, and I made it a point to smile at him. He smiled back. Better news was that he had no wedding band! I can’t tell you the overwhelming number of disappointing moments where there is a wedding band. So many of these moments that I began to wonder if these were signs (slaps in the face) from God, informing me that the door is closed to me.

After the service ended, he moved to exit, never looking to me again. Surprisingly I didn’t feel disappointment. Perhaps it was because I saw him picking his nose. And maybe it’s a deeper reason, this moment worked to stir me, to remind me, that my dream is still alive, and that my desire is also.

Ella Venezia

Copyright © 2011 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved.
I dedicate this post to Merana and all the wonderful men and women out there exercising faith and surrender, that our Heavenly Father will provide our Divine partner in His divine time.    

“Unwavering trust is a rare and precious thing because it often demands a degree of courage that borders on the heroic.” —Brennan Manning, from his book "Ruthless Trust"