Rushing into Remarriage

The opposite of a non-committal man is an overly zealous man who rushes to get married.

Three years ago a single mom friend of mine, we’ll call her Trish, met a guy at a bookstore less than two weeks before Valentine’s day. By Valentine’s day he was sending her letters, cards and texts telling her that he loves her. She was swept up by her feelings upon hearing a man tell her he loves her. In a short time after that, it may have been another couple of weeks or less, he proposed to her and gave her an engagement ring.  By then she had already introduced him into her daughter’s life (she was six years old) and her daughter was crazy about him. He even went to the extreme of getting two engagement rings, one for the daughter and one for the mom, and had the daughter participate in the proposal. Trish was so wrapped up in the fantasy of this man, that she was pedal to the metal along side him, full speed ahead rushing toward a wedding date. 

Keep in mind single parents that children typically yearn for the attention of the parent less involved in their lives. In this case it is her father, so when a man steps into her mom’s life, quickly she attaches to him. She’s trying to fill the hole an absent father leaves. 

You can expect children to immediately rush to a conclusion of marriage (wanting this person to be their dad or mom), when they first meet mom or dad’s love interest. But it’s our job as the adults to slow things down and exercise discernment before immediately concluding marriage is the imminent conclusion, altogether bypassing (or shortening) the necessary season of “getting to know” each other. This getting to know should include time to observe how the other responds to life challenges, because they are a guaranteed part of life. This gives us time to observe their true nature after the shininess wears off.

Fast forward four to five months later, he stopped calling and texting and Trish was heart-broken.  The little girl was heart-broken. Some time after that, during lunch, she shared some things she learned that she wanted me to share with you.

1. Don’t be too  Quick to be too Honest

“Honesty is very good but being too honest in the beginning with a man, has lots of down sides. Because once you tell everything about yourself, everything you want from a man, he begins filtering himself and only telling you the things you want to hear. You get so fascinated with him and think he’s the one you’ve been looking for.  But. Honestly, you’re putting all the words in his mouth and in his mind. Even though honesty is very good, take it step by step.

In the beginning of the relationship it’s a good idea to just listen more than talk. Let him represent himself, instead of you telling him what you want— Especially if you are like me, who already had a bad experience, a bad marriage.

It’s not a bad idea to talk about this, but if you’re telling him all the qualities your ex didn’t have and the qualities you missed in your previous life, then you give him information to deceive you with. If you tell this new man all these things in the beginning, he may tell you what you want to hear,  and show you the qualities you want to see, but this is not his true self.”

2. Don’t Rush to Introduce a Man to Your Child

“I’m a single mom. I have a little girl. This man just stormed himself into my life and my little girl’s life and my family. You may think this is good because he starts showing you his fathering side by helping you and spending time with your child. But if for some reason you break up or this is not the guy you think he is, then there are two messes you need to clean up: yourself and your kids, especially if they are young.  As nice and sound as it may seem at first, when they convey they want to meet your kid, they want to be a father to your kid, don’t rush it.”

3. Believe in Yourself and What You Deserve

“As for myself I lived with a man (husband) who was very abusive. He used to belittle me, and crush my confidence.  I didn’t date anyone for a long time after my divorce. This guy was the first one I dated. I didn’t think about myself very highly. Don’t take yourself not serious enough. Think about yourself. Raise the bar high for yourself.”

Note above in number 2, where she said, “This man just stormed himself into my life and my little girl’s…” No one just storms in. We allow them to. We have the power to open the door or not. We have the power to exercise the brakes if it’s moving too quickly. If they do not respect your applying the brakes, or if they keep picking up steam again after you’ve applied the brakes, then see these red flags and act on them to protect yourself and your children.  A relationship that is honest and not a farce (short duration fantasy), will allow for a natural progression to unfold and discover each other. There will be no need for speed nor short-cutting. Only with time will you have opportunities to see the person’s true character. Don’t fall for any reasons that are given, for why there is a rush on this. No matter how sound or true the reasoning may sound, always error on the side of time. Time will allow you time to open your eyes, in the event you are wrapped up in fantasy and do not see things as they truly are.

Ella Venezia

Copyright © 2014 Ella Venezia. All Rights Reserved. 

Image Source: Tarah Madden @Pinterest